Monthly Archives: June 2012

Original Nose Warmers…I’d Rather Be Cold.


Look at what I found on Etsy today…Original Nose Warmers. They retail for $9.74 each and come in quite a variety of styles.  The one pictured above is the “Barely There” model.  Yeah, being it’s skin colored you might miss it on someone’s face, right? I’d spot that thing from two city blocks away! However, it is pretty tame, compared to the others in this shop…

There’s the “Pink Lady Nose Warmer” for the fashion maven in your house:

She doesn’t look as happy as she did a few seconds ago, now does she?

There’s the “Spring Flower Power” model…

…because March comes in like a lion.

There’s even some for the man in your life, like this “Burgundy on Gray” version:

I think he did this against his own will.

The “Camo” version…

Oh No! Where did your nose go? I can’t see it!

And some spunky animal versions like:

The Black Eared Puppy Nose Warmer:

Maybe someone will really mistake her for a puppy and not recognize her…or not!

and the next big thing in winter wear…the Hawk Bird Nose Warmer

Maybe she can hang out with Double Hummingbird Feeder Hat Guy!

Now, there are a few important notes the seller would like you to know about these fine crocheted creations:

*”It’s a unique, and practical way to keep your nose warm!” Mmmmhmmm. Unique, yes…practical…not even close! You’re totally going to get lint balls up your nose wearing this!

*There’s only one of each in stock (but she can customize one just for you!)” You know what I’m going to say…If you want one you better hurry the hell up and get to ordering!

*“There are loops on the side of each nose warmer that hook right onto your ears.” Because God forbid this should come off while you’re out traipsing through town. Also, you know this baby will leave tell tale yarn line/indentations across your face because it looks a little snug.

*And finally “They are hand-made in a non-smoking environment!” Now apparently this a HUGE selling point in the crocheting community! I have seen this on many pages on Etsy, so one can safely assume that smoke would cling to yarn like white on rice…and who wants something that going to attach to your nose to smell like smoke? Then again, who actually wants to even attach this to their nose? (I’m pretty sure I didn’t hear a single “ME!!!” in the crowd!)

FYI – This lady has been making these since 1970, uses her nieces, nephews, and random neighbors to model them…and lives in Alabama. ALABAMA?!? How cold does it actually get in Alabama? She’d have an ounce of street cred if she lived in Wisconsin maybe…but ALABAMA?!?  Come on now.

So there you have it…I don’t think I need to say anything else about this, now do I?

Except…Original Nose Warmers…That’s Shitsy!

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Don’t Put a “Bottle Tree” In Your Yard!


This, my friends, is a “bottle tree” that I found on Pinterest today…and it is just all kinds of wrong. I’m not the only person who thinks so either, because it didn’t have a single re-pin. Do you know how bad that is? It’s equivalent to being picked last in kickball. On Pinterest, you can always find someone who will re-pin your stuff…but not this beauty. Not a stinking single re-pin to be found…and that speaks volumes on how atrocious of an idea this is. It’s so atrocious that I am sharing it with all of you…which is pretty much the only thing this idea has going for it.

First of all, this is some LAZY shit. Is this supposed to be some strange attempt at “going green”? (That phrase irks me, FYI). Well, it’s not green, it’s just LAZY. Maybe if you walked your sweet self in the other direction and put your empty bottles in the recycling can, you could spout your “green-ness”, but not by doing this.

Let me tell you something…we enjoy our adult beverages in this house. A LOT…especially in the summer. If we did this with our beer and wine bottles, we’d have a goddamn forest in our yard…a big goddamn forest of drunkenness. I cringe every Friday in the summer when I haul out the recycling cans (especially after we have a bbq) because it is LOUD. I’m sure that loudness would be nothing next to the sound of bottles flying off of tree limbs every time we had a storm, or the loudness of our friend’s reactions to our “bottle tree farm”.

Don’t put a “Bottle Tree” in your yard. Just don’t!

“Bottle Tree” idea…I dub thee Unpinteresting…and really tacky.

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Hummingbird Double Feeder Hat


Look at what I found on Etsy today…a Hummingbird Double Feeder Hat. You probably think this a joke, right? It’s not…and it retails for $37.00. As usual, there’s only 1 in stock so HURRY UP if you want to buy this gem!

I am almost at a loss for words with this one…almost. What in the shit would you want this for? All I can come up with is placing this on the person who passes out first at your backyard bbq, so you and the rest of your friends can have some laughs and take some pictures to put on Facebook for all to see.

This guy’s big selling point is “Imagine having two beautiful little hummingbirds feeding just to the right and left of you in your face… so close you can feel the breeze generated by the beating of their wings…”. I don’t know about you, but the thought of having those little birds hovering about two inches from my face freaks me out. There is not a single cell in my body that wants a hummingbird so close to me that I can feel the breeze generated by the beating of its wings. Gahhh!  I like nature from a distance, not right up in my grill trying to peck my eyes out. Seriously, what are the chances of a hummingbird even feeding off that disaster? Do you know how long you’d have to sit there before you would ever even find a hummingbird that stupid that it would come that close to you…never mind two…since it’s a double feeder?  My best guess it would happen at exactly quarter to never!

His other selling point is describing the helmet as follows: ” This particular hat is made from a used Bell brand bicycle helmet, It is many shades of Gray, from light to a Darker Grey with a small White highlight in color. This helmet is in very good shape…Recycled from a local thrift store (I only use the best of what I find). It has been washed and cleaned to the best of my ability.”  Um, he lost me at thrift store and cleaned to the best of his ability. That could mean one tiny spray of water and half a wipe down, after a hobo wore it as rain gear. No thanks. The seller states this is something he can guarantee you definitely do not already own. No kidding, Captain Obvious…nor will I ever own this.

The Hummingbird Double Feeder Hat…That’s Shitsy!

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Your Cell Phone Case is Slightly Gaudy!


Look at this monstrosity I found on Etsy today. This bejeweled wonder is a handcrafted iPhone 4S case that retails for a mere $28. (By the way, there’s only one left, so HURRY UP if you want it!)

Can someone please tell me how this would ever be conducive to having an actual conversation on it with that bow made of  “huge super sparkly pink crystals and shiny silver rhinestones” protruding off of the back like that? That is not made to fit in your hand! You couldn’t possibly shove this in your pocket!  However, it is a “glamorous and eye-catching case” that you can lay down on a table for your friends to see, so they can say “What they hell is that thing?” Even Siri would tell you to get this off of her immediately.  This is like that The King of Queens episode where Carrie is out of work and decides to make cell phone covers for a living. That didn’t work, and this doesn’t either! You know who would like this? My vote is the obnoxious bling-loving women on Big Rich Texas. I can’t come up with anyone past that! This is the gaudiest thing I have seen in a while…and I live in Jersey and have seen some gaudy stuff in my day!

An iPhone 4S Art Deco Black Pearls and Huge Silver and Pink Bow Case…That’s Shitsy!

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Sorry But Fruit Can’t Become A Candle!


LIARS!

I need to call bullshit on this little craft I found on Pinterest! I am qualified to do so because I tried it and all I got out of it was some burned fingers and  a wasted orange.  The original pin said you could make a candle out of an orange…no wick needed or anything! Just scoop out a little of the orange, use that stem in the middle as a wick, light it up, and sit back and enjoy that wonderful orange aroma that would soon be wafting through your house.  I thought that was genius and wondered how candle companies would ever stay in business if one can make their own fruit candle like that…. the companies can rest easy  because it doesn’t work. I tried for a good 10 minutes to get it lit before I gave up…and my house had the faint scent of singed skin when I was done…and I felt pretty stupid for even trying this!

Here’s another pin I found further explaining the greatness of the homemade orange candle:

Are you kidding me??? Do you see how much work that is??? Scoop it out, get a wick and place it in there, fill it with oil and light it? For what?  Get the hell out of here. I don’t have time for that. No one is going to come to your house and be impressed by that, I’m telling you right now! I’ll just go out and get myself an Orange Yankee Candle. They must make one…they have every other possible scent under the sun.

Homemade Orange Candle…I dub thee Unpinteresting!

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Outstanding Obits – Michael “Flathead” Blanchard


I love a good obituary. Not that I think death is funny, but some people’s obits are. For my first entry in Outstanding Obits, I have chosen one you may have already read because it became pretty famous when it was published this May in the Denver Post. If you haven’t read it, then do yourself the favor…

Blanchard, Michael “Flathead”
1944 ~ 2012
A Celebration of the life of Michael “Flathead” Blanchard will be held on April 14th, 3 pm 8160 Rosemary St, Commerce City. Weary of reading obituaries noting someone’s courageous battle with death, Mike wanted it known that he died as a result of being stubborn, refusing to follow doctors’ orders and raising hell for more than six decades. He enjoyed booze, guns, cars and younger women until the day he died. 
Mike was born July 1944 in Colorado to Clyde and Ethel Blanchard. A community activist, he is noted for saving the Dr. Justina Ford house from demolition and defending those who could not defend themselves. He was a Republican delegate, life member of the NRA, founder and President of the Dead Cats MC. He loved music.
Mike was preceded in death by Clyde and Ethel Blanchard, survived by his beloved sons Mike and Chopper, former wife Jane Transue, brother Stephen Blanchard (Susan), Uncle Don and Aunt Cynthia Blanchard(his favorite); Uncle Dill and Aunt Dot, cousins and nephews, Baba Yaga can kiss his butt. So many of his childhood friends that weren’t killed in Vietnam went on to become criminals, prostitutes and/or Democrats. He asks that you stop by and re-tell the stories he can no longer tell. As the Celebration will contain Adult material we respectfully ask that no children under 18 attend.

Now that’s how you do it! Besides his penchant for booze and younger women, and not following doctor’s orders, the fact that they put an age limit on his celebration rocks! I wish I knew him so I could hear the raunchy stories that were told, especially by his criminal/prostitute/Democrat friends!

Michael “Flathead” Blanchard, I salute you for your outstanding obit!

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Your Cat Hates This Shitsy Tie!


Check out this snazzy “Flamingo Cat Tie” I found on Etsy today! Why??? Why would you ever do this to your cat? Why would anyone make these and sell them for $14.95? I’ll tell you why…because people are out of their minds when it comes to their cats and actually buy shit like this. Can’t she see how much Mr. Snuggles absolutely hates this tie, and her for putting this tie on him? He’s hissing! If he could talk he would probably say something like “Get this the hell off me right now…and make sure you sleep with one eye open tonight!”  I highly doubt he’s going anywhere fancy…and if he accidently gets out of the house, other cats are going to abuse him for this. I think it’s abnormal, but apparently there’s a market out there for this because she has a ton of followers and is selling ties for every occasion and holiday.   You know this cat tries to squeeze under the couch every time he hears the sewing machine rev up because he is going to have to model her newest creation. Poor Mr. Snuggles.

Putting a flamingo tie, or any tie for that matter, on your cat…That’s Shitsy!

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