Your Swimwear Ain’t Right

Thanks, but I already ate!

Look at what I found on Etsy today…poor choices of swimwear! Being it’s almost the 4th of July and summer vacations are getting into full swing, I thought I’d do a public service announcement on improper swimwear. I live smack in between Seaside Heights (FYI, Jersey Shore does not represent this area whatsoever!) and Long Beach Island, so I think I am fairly qualified to give you a “Just Say No” rundown.  If you have any of these in your drawers at home, please burn them immediately…Oh, and prepare your eyes, because it’s about to get scary.

First we have the “beaded” selection. None of these can be even remotely conducive to neither swimming nor tanning.

To tie it, just pop the ends together

Hello Shitty…er, I mean Kitty.

This cannot be comfortable.

And this REALLY cannot be comfortable!

Not to be outdone by the ladies…eek! No guys…seriously…NO!


Onto the “leather” selection: (Can I just say there is never a  need for a leather bathing suit? Leather??? I have a hard time getting past that word having anything to do with swimwear!)

This is made of “supple deerskin” and the seller says you should “feel classy just by looking at it”. Funny, but I don’t.

The Leather Deerskin Speedo Banana Hammock…”It fits better the more you wear it wet”. I bet it does.

The Ladies Leather Loincloth Bikini…which is “totally swimable” but comes with special care directions…kind of an oxymoron.

The Raquel Welch Leather and Fur Bikini. The seller swears this “swims beautifully”. I have my doubts.

The Men’s Leather Swim Pouch…There aren’t adequate words for this one.

And there’s a loincloth version, in case your man wants to cover his pouch a little bit.


A selection of random “Don’t you Dare Wear These” Suits:

The Fuzzy Yarn Bikini: sand is going to get all caught up in this…and wet yarn can’t end well.


Unless you are starring in a Kid Rock video, do not wear a denim suit ladies. Seriously. Think about how bad wet jeans feel.

The “Kiss” suit…I’m not even going to say it.

The Men’s Valentine Suit….a resounding NO!

Vintage Duckies…Don’t worry, the seller “Only wore it once and laundered it”. Sorry, but the hair accessory is not included.


And my personal favorites… Wood Paneling Inspired Suits:

The seller states you “will be the envy of everyone at the pool party”. No you won’t…trust me.

And a matching suit for the man in your life.


That stretched out bathing suit you have sitting in your drawer doesn’t seem so bad now does it?

Wearing any single one of the aforementioned swimwear at a 4th of July celebration…or ever…That’s Shitsy!











1 Comment

Filed under That's Shitsy!

One response to “Your Swimwear Ain’t Right

  1. That’s hysterical! And horrifying in so many ways. 🙂

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