Look at what I found for sale on Etsy today…a jar of 100% authentic Bigfoot hair!!! Shut the front door!!! What a rare find that is…and it only retails for $12!!! What a friggin’ bargain, considering the Bigfoot is so incredibly elusive! If you want this, you better getting to stepping people, because of course the seller only has one jar in stock!!!
As every Bigfoot story seems to start, the seller was camping alone (of course) in the back country of northern California when Bigfoot appeared out of nowhere (nowhere really is a correct term there isn’t it?), swooped up said seller out of his sleeping bag and ran through the forest holding him over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes! Thank God Bigfoot didn’t trip and fall as he “jumped over logs and ran through streams all by the light of the moon”! The seller really could have gotten injured on that one!
Bigfoot only did this because he’s lonely and wanted someone to come back to his cave and have a nice cup of tea. Well, the tea was actually a precursor to needing his back hair trimmed. (Even Bigfoot’s paramours draw the line at back hair!) Bigfoot’s hands (paws, whatever) are apparently not conducive to holding scissors, and neither are any of his friend’s hands/paws, so what better way to get a haircut then to kidnap a lone camper? Bigfoot was so overjoyed with the fine barbering job that he lets said seller have the piles of hair as long as he “shares it with the good people on Etsy!”. That Bigfoot is just too kind…really he is! Also, Bigfoot even deposited said seller back at his campsite. Talk about manners! Who knew?
My question is if there was a big pile of hair, how come there’s only one jar being sold to the good people on Etsy? Maybe the rest is going to the Smithsonian or something… I mean, it is Bigfoot hair after all!
Finally, the sale wouldn’t be complete without the picture the seller took of Bigfoot as he scampered back into the forest with his brand spanking new hair cut:
That’s odd…it looks like every other Bigfoot picture I have ever seen. Maybe he only rocks that one pose because it catches his good side….and too bad his arm is covering his trimmed up back. I wanted to see how nice he cleans up. Maybe next time…
A Jar of 100% Authentic Bigfoot Hair…That’s Shitsy!