Look at what I found on Etsy today…Fitness Fouls! I like to work out, so I thought I would mosey on over to the site to what was being offered up. It took me a grand total of 5 seconds to find some seriously Shitsy stuff. Enjoy:
Billiard Iron Health Boots made of Cast Iron. (Also known as leg weights for diving). Apparently these were quite the fitness fad from the 1950’s-70’s. OMG. Imagine trying to work out with these strapped to your feet?
The Jumpin’ Jiminy Jump Rope. Seriously, is there anything people won’t knit? Just what I need, an environmently friendly jump rope! Oh, this hurts less than a plastic jump rope does when you trip and it hits into you. Come on! What’s jump roping without a few welts?Don’t leave this out in the rain! It’ll shrink up to the size of a worm!
Crocheted Water Bottle Holder. I can find a crocheted anything on that site, I swear…and why would you need to put pencils in there to go to the gym?
The Happy Denim Gym Bag. She really went all out with the puffy paint, huh? Stop.It.
Melba, The Fitness Bear. “She loves to work out, just like you!”. Just looking at her is supposed to motivate you to work out. The only work out I would get with this is to see how far I could punt it.
A Bejeweled Monogrammed Yoga Mat…because I’m sure you could never figure out how to glue some rhinestones on one of these all by yourself. I’m sure everyone in class will be real impressed.
A Sassy towel to wipe up your sweat with. You know anyone who owns this is totally just going through the motions and not even getting sweaty. You should get your ass kicked just for pulling this out of your happy denim gym bag!
Rock Out With Your Brocc Out Fridge Magnets. Much cleaner than the tee shirt version I’ve seen on the boardwalk.
A poorly animated Yoga Pose lamp shade. A must in Home Decor.
Fitness Glides for Aerobic Class. There is something wrong if you need these to help you slide your feet across the floor in class. All I envision is tripping and falling in these….and couldn’t they advertise them on some new sneakers instead of a beat up pair?
Ben-Wa Balls for “Kegal” Exercises. The seller even tells you how to “work out” with them. Gotta get your “parts” in shape, right? (Ouch!) Perhaps they were listed in the wrong section.
The At Home Exercise Block: “Put in on the floor, circle it two times, and you can say that you walked around the block twice!” Shut up lazy ass.
Brazilian Work Out Leggings…”Perfect for going from Zumba to a BBQ or straight to the streets!” Um…no….and her “sexy” pose ain’t exactly a selling point either.
Anatomical Leggings. I see you really worked your quads hard today, huh?
The Wood Paneling Inspired Biking Jacket. What is with the paneling craze? When people move into a house, that’s the first thing they get rid of…so why would you wear it?
and my least favorite fitness items…snappy slogan t-shirts. Personally I don’t give a shit what your shirt says. I’m not even looking at you…and no one is impressed by your “wit”.
Is this the Toddlers and Tiaras of tank tops, or what? Worry about yourself honey.
Oh Boy…cue the bagpipers playing Amazing Grace.
Again with the witty mustache thing? Sigh. Plus the back invites people to converse with you…something I want no part of.
A little hard-core, aren’t you?
Wait, people still say “foxy’? I thought that only happened at Mel’s Diner.
and finally, the only shirt I would ever consider owning from Etsy…
I don’t care what your cat did last night. I don’t give a shit if you have to work off those whopping 2 cookies you ate last night…and I’m not here to make any new friends. I’m here to work out.
I should actually get a bunch of these in all different colors!
So, there you have it…exercise fouls-a-plenty!
Actually buying any of these fitness related items…That’s Shitsy!