Look at what I found on Etsy today…Pocket Girlfriends…officially making this blog post the sequel of desperation to my other post, Pocket Manfriends. Fellas, you didn’t think the seller (or myself) would forget about you, did you? Apparently we both believe in equal opportunity pathetic-ness.
Are you sick of thinking you found the perfect woman, only to have the cloak of sanity disappear about a month in, leaving you with a raving lunatic? Are you tired of having to listen to stories about what her friend said, when you could care less? Are you frustrated at having to explain again and again why you think larping is a great way to spend a Saturday with your friends? (That may explain why you are single. Just saying.) Well, look no further, because the following lovely ladies might just be the answer to your prayers.
Before I introduce them, let’s see what the seller has to say about them collectively:
*If you’re lost without a super sweet, rad chick by your side…
here’s your solution!
*Take her anywhere with you for a dose of female intuition, utmost organizational skills and all-round girl power. Lend her to a friend in need of some TLC. (OMG! Do NOT lend her to your friends. You will NEVER live it down. EVER! You will be 80 years old, and your friends will pick up a rock off the street, draw a face on it with a Sharpie, and still remind you of your old Pocket Girlfriend. Trust me!)
*All the best bits about a girlfriend minus the emotional unpredictability and duvet-hogging tendencies. (Can someone please state what best bits are left here?)
Anyway…on to the ladies….
Meet your new pocket girlfriend, Charlotte. Her feet are small but her heart is big. She also makes the most delicious coffee cake. (That cake must be tough to make considering she’s just a head.)
Meet your new pocket girlfriend, Lucy. A fan of fruit cider, Elvis Costello and soggy toast. (Also, she will nag you to shut off the lights when you leave the room, just like a real woman would!)
Meet your new pocket girlfriend, Melissa. She has a small brown cat called Bruce and a secret stamp collection. Vegan. Conditions her hair with coconut oil. (A secret stamp collection? What a wild one she is!)
and our final bachelorette….
Meet your new pocket girlfriend, Ramona. Ramona starts each day with a list and a cup of nettle tea. She has a white Alsatian called Felice and a large striped sock collection. (Make room…she’s going to need her own sock drawer)
Are none of these ladies exactly what you were looking for? I hear ya! They do sound about as fun as watching paint dry. Fear not, you can just make your own lovely Pocket Girlfriend.
If Charlotte, Ramona or Lucy aren’t your type, here’s your chance to design your own girlfriend.
That’s right, you choose everything – skin, hair, eyes – if only it could be this easy in real life!I’ve made a list here for you to copy and paste in the ‘note to seller’ info box
Necklace: (choose up to three)
Too bad they cut these ladies off at the necklace, because if men had the opportunity to pick a cup size, these might sell a little better. (The seller totally should have thought that out further!)
Just like the Pocket Manfriends, these retail for $11.28 each. If you make your own lovely lady, it will run you $20.95. Perhaps you should just take that money, go down to the bar, have a stiff drink or two and reevaluate your life instead of ordering one of these. Just my two cents.
Pocket Girlfriends…That’s Shitsy too!