Monthly Archives: August 2012

Opa Slippers (AKA Hubby Slippers)

*Sorry the picture is so small. It’s the best I could do with this one.

Look at what I found on both Craftsy and Etsy today…Crocheted Opa Slippers (AKA Hubby Slippers).  Actually what I found was a pattern to make said slippers that can be bought for $5.50, so you can make these bad boys all by yourself.

I’m going to keep this one short and sweet. If you are a man and wear these slippers, you need to trade in that XY chromosome you have and your male carrying card, because other men will disown you from their club. I don’t care if your wife made these Hubby Slippers for you. You wearing these nullifies any manly thing you have done in the last year or so. I will give a pass to anyone over 80 years old though… because if you make it past 80 you can wear any damn thing you want. You’ve earned that right. Plus your feet are probably cold. Otherwise, they’re a giant no-go.

Opa/Hubby Slippers…That’s Shitsy!

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Crafting With Cat Hair

Look at what I found on Etsy today…Crafting With Cat Hair, which was actually even featured on their “How Tuesday” blog. Not only that, but I found items for sale that people have made using their cat’s hair. I cannot believe there is a market for this, but apparently there is. I don’t own a cat because I am allergic to all of their damn hair that gets everywhere…and I’m not a huge fan of cats anyway, but to think that people actually collect their cat’s hair and use it to make things is mind blowing to me!

In researching this, I have found that the most common ‘craft” people make from their cat’s hair is a tiny little cat finger puppet. I will just give you my own quick overview:

1. Collect cat hair. (That shouldn’t be hard to do since they shed like it’s their  job! However, if you really want the good stuff, you should brush your cat, or so they say.)

2. Make a tiny double template shaped like a cat out of cardboard and wrap it with packing tape, to keep it dry. (You’ll see why…)

3. Wrap the template in cat hair and wet it using hot water and dish detergent. (It’s gonna get clumpy)

4. Let it dry, and decorate as you see fit.

That, my friends, is a finished product some woman made for one of her co-workers and left on his keyboard for him. She states he isn’t a car lover, but really liked it. Let me just say this…if I worked with this lady and she left me a homemade cat hair finger puppet on my desk, she would be choking it up as a hairball because I would shove it right down her throat.

Moving on…

I continued to scour Etsy and learned that cat hair jewelry is chic…and by chic I mean disgusting, yet still for sale. Enjoy:

Yes cat lovers, for $35 you too can have earrings made from your cat’s hair. Here’s what the seller has to say:

– Contact me when you are ready to begin.
– Mail me your cat’s hair, approx. two or three good handfuls. 
( I will email my address to you )
– Give me 1 to 2 weeks to create the earrings.
– When I have finished, I will post them as: RESERVED FOR 
(your cat’s name).

Gahhhhh! Two or three good handfuls of your cat’s hair? Gahhhh!

You know you need a matching necklace, right? Well here ya go.

You better get a few more handfuls of your cat’s hair because those balls on the necklace are pretty big. You better dig a little deeper into your piggy bank too, because she is charging $150.00 for that! (Yes, I said $150.00!)

What? You want a cat hair necklace that is a little more snazzy? Fear not, there’s more to choose from! You are going to have to dig even deeper into your pockets though. By the way, your peasant cat’s hair is not good enough for the making of any of the following. These are made with her purebred ragamuffin cat’s hair. Ooooooo!

Oberon Cat Hair Neck Sculpture. – $220.00.

Wire Caged Felted Cat Hair Pendant – $220.00

Bubbles Sculptural Felted Cat Hair Neckpiece – $220.00

I’m loving her description:

What to wear to that gala musical event or
to your friends art opening? This necklace. 

This is a conversational piece in its own right with its 
white soft “puffs” and shimmering wire wrapped leather. 
It is substantial yet sits lightly on your chest.
And, those puffs of fluff? Felted cat hair!

Oh, and she “knows it is tempting to touch and stroke the soft hair orbs, but, they will stay clean and maintain their shape if touching is left to a minimum!”   Come on now, you know everyone is going to want to touch that. OK  nobody is really going to want to touch that, but the wacky wearer would totally ask people to. “You have to pet my cat hair necklace! It’s so soft!” ((shudder))

…and finally for the people who may not have over $200.00 to spend, but want some bang for their buck…

Cat Hair Necklace – $130.00. Felted puffs .5 – 1 inch in size.

I think I feel hives forming on my neck just by having posted that!

So there you have it…a book on how to make crafts from your very own cat hair, a quick tutorial for a cat hair finger puppet, and some exquisite cat hair jewelry. I had no idea anything like the aforementioned even existed before today, and now I think true “cat people” are even crazier than I ever did before. It’s just too bizarre for me!

I have two dogs, and I sweep up their hair non-stop because it drives me crazy. I cannot fathom doing anything with it besides throwing it out while mumbling curses about how much they shed! I also keep a lint roller handy at all times because I cannot stand to look down and see any of their hair on my clothes. The thought of crafting their hair into a friggin puppet or wearing it as jewelry is beyond comprehension.

I will have you know that I was a giant bundle of itchy the entire time I wrote this post, and had to stop typing every few minutes to scratch myself a little bit. I may need to take some Benedryl in a minute because my skin is crawling!! Damn you crazy cat hair crafters…damn you.

Crafting With Cat Hair…That’s Shitsy!


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The Goatee Saver

Look at what I found on Pinterest today…The Goatee Saver! Guys are you too stupid to correctly shave around your goatee? Do you get the hangover shakes after a night of boozing with the fellas but still need to trim up that gorgeous facial hair of yours before you go to work? Do you possess a nervous tic that makes your shaving hand jump uncontrollably yet still want to look stylin’ for the ladies? If so, then this is the product for you!

I actually thought this was some kind of joke product until I googled it and found it on, retailing for $19.99.

Here’s the product description:

  • A shaving template designed to shape and form your goatee
  • Saves time by allowing precise shaving of your desired goatee shape every day
  • Creates & maintains a perfectly shaped goatee
  • Eliminates crooked goatees and those occasional shaving mishaps
  • The template is adjustable to fit most size faces and goatee styles. (Apparently if you have Jay Leno face, don’t bother because that is the face size it doesn’t fit. I looked it up. By the way, if you have Jay Leno face, you really shouldn’t sport a goatee anyway. It would just look like a hairy projectile coming at the rest of us! No one would ever be able to focus on anything that’s coming out of your mouth because they’d be too busy staring at it in horror. Just my two cents!)

How does this baby stay into place while one oh-so-carefully shaves around it? Well, you can either hold it up against your face with your other hand or you can use the bite plate that comes with it to hold it there. Some reviewers state that when you put the bite plate in your mouth, you really need to give it a good push to get the proper suction against your face or it could become askew, and then you have officially defeated the purpose of trying to create the perfect goatee.

I read the reviews and they are pretty mixed. Some guys think it’s the greatest invention since sliced bread and others think it’s the biggest piece of shit ever marketed.

I’m going to emphatically state that if I walked in the bathroom and saw my husband using this, my face would look nothing like the lady’s look of adoration as shown in the picture above.

My personal opinion… if you need this to shave your goatee, perhaps you shouldn’t have one. In fact, you don’t even deserve one.

Goatee Saver, I dub thee Unpinteresting!

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Cash For Crack Heads!

Allow me to introduce to you a true job opportunity for the crack heads residing in New Jersey.

See, what had happened was…I was happily sipping my coffee and perusing the Asbury Park Press on Sunday morning, when I came across this giant ad placed smack dab underneath the movie times…and I could not believe my drug-free, tax paying eyes!

Let me get this straight…Rutgers University’s Center of Alcohol Studies is willing to give pieces of shit who are a drain on society people who regularly smoke cocaine a $100 Visa card to look at their brain functions?!?!? Are you kidding me?!?

A few things here:

* I have strong doubts that anyone who regularly smokes cocaine is going to be perusing the Sunday Asbury Park Press anytime soon. Thus they won’t even get to see this fine opportunity that’s come a-knockin on their door! They should post this on telephone poles in some of the finer parts of the great Garden State if they want anyone who is “qualified” to actually know about this.

* The first thing those pieces of shit who are a drain on society people are going to do is go down to the local pawn shop and get somewhere between $30-$50  for trading that Visa card in…and what exactly do you think they are going to do with their new found fortune? Hmmm, that’s a tough one, huh? (Unless crack dealers accept Visa gift cards. I wouldn’t know.)

* What defines “regularly”? Do you have to smoke it everyday? A few days a week? They really need to be more specific here.

*Why don’t this just go down to some rehab and ask to do this kind of bullshit to people who are trying to quit? If they smoked crack regularly, the damage has already been done, hasn’t it? Is it because one actually gets to smoke cocaine while the study is occurring? If so, is Rutgers supplying the crack? Are they going to use the highest quality stuff or some street level shit from a corner in Newark? Do they get to bring their own crack with them?

I don’t know about you, but this whole advertisement totally pisses me off. If you are a piece of shit who is a drain on society  person who regularly smokes crack, there’s no way you should get a $100 Visa gift card thanks to being such a fine upstanding citizen that you can’t put the crack pipe down. They already get shit handed to them on a silver platter in NJ thanks to my tax dollars, and now they get a Visa card to boot? Where’s my $100 Visa card for being a good person who raises her child correctly and holds an actual job??? Ohhh, that’s right…there’s no “reward” for that. That is some serious bullshit. Shame on you Rutgers for placing this ad in the newspaper and offering these lowlifes any extra money. I don’t give a flying shit how poorly their melted brains function, and neither should you. Maybe you can give them some more free medical treatment too after you check the pictures out… because that’d be par for the course in NJ.

In the words of the late Whitney Houston…”Crack is Whack!” and so is this bullshit advertisement!


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Perler Bead Portrait of Samuel L. Jackson

Look at what I found on Etsy today…a Perler Bead Portrait of Samuel L. Jackson! Who does not love this guy? He has some of the all-time best lines ever uttered in movies…however, I don’t think I’d want this hanging on a wall somewhere in my house.

The only thing I can come up with is displaying it and then repeating some of his famous lines at it, like:

*”Hey, sewer rat may taste like pumpkin pie, but I’d never know ’cause I wouldn’t eat the filthy motherf*cker.” (Pulp Fiction)

*”Just ’cause you pour syrup on something doesn’t make it pancakes!” (Juice)

*”AK-47. The very best there is. When you absolutely, positively got to kill every motherf*cker in the room, accept no substitutes.” (Jackie Brown)

*”Whoa. Y’all take a chill. You got to cool that shit off. And that’s the double-truth, Ruth. (Do The Right Thing)

*”Yeah, Zeus! As in, father of Apollo? Mt. Olympus? Don’t f*ck with me or I’ll shove a lightning bolt up your ass!” (Die Hard with a Vengeance)

*”Enough is enough! I have had it with these motherf*cking snakes on this motherf*cking plane!” (Snakes on a Plane)

or my all-time personal favorite…

*”You know me. It’s my duty to please that booty!” (Shaft)

Now if the seller was smart, he would hook  some sort of audio device up to it where you could press a button and hear him spout those great lines.  See, now that might make this guy some extra moolah.  (Once again, the sellers should just hire me as an idea girl. Clearly they never think things all the way through.)

Upon staring at it,  I’m guessing to get the full effect of its awesomeness, you’d have to stand back a few feet to see it in actual focus…unless you’re into blurry Samuel L. Jackson. Who am I to judge your viewing preferences? To each his own.

I do have to give the seller bonus points for the way he introduces it on his site:

 GOOD mother f*ing choice, mother f*er! Samuel measures 11″ x 11″ and is made from 3,364 meticulously placed plastic fuse beads.

Man, that’s a lot of beads to be placing meticulously, huh? I have no doubt the creator was dropping F-Bombs like a champion while trying to place those beads just right. Samuel would totally approve of that part, I bet!

If you’d like to have beaded Samuel in your home, it’ll cost you a cool $50.00, and there’s only one in stock, so if you want it, you better hurry the hell up! You never know who else may want this masterpiece besides you!

Perler Bead Portrait of Samuel L. Jackson…That’s Shitsy, motherf*cker! (Sorry…that’s just the effect Samuel has on people, even when he’s beaded!)

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Teddy Bear Toast…Awwww.


Look at what I found on Pinterest today…Teddy Bear Toast. Aw, isn’t that cute? If you are a parent, you likely have done something similar to this at some point in order to get your child to eat breakfast. It’s not the Teddy Bear toast I take issue with…but rather the fact that the person gives you the whopping six ingredients needed to make this…and then gives you a link to the recipe in case you couldn’t possibly figure out how on earth to get your kid’s toast to look like this. For the love of God, if you can’t figure out how to recreate this, perhaps you should not be able to reproduce. It’s not exactly rocket science!  I’m sure your child will have a nuclear meltdown if you don’t mix the sprinkle of cinnamon and sugar just right…or, GASP, leave it out altogether. Someone might call Child Protective Services if you get that part wrong…or dare leave a banana ear askew. By the way, those bananas look pretty damn perfect, so I think the amazing banana slicer may have been used!

Teddy Bear Toast… although it’s cute, the fact that steps to a recipe are actually included here causes me to dub thee Unpinteresting.

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The Amazing Banana Slicer!

HUGE shout-out to The Room Mom for finding this awesome gadget on Pinterest and  sending it to me to post about! Without further ado, I present to you the amazing Banana Slicer!!!

Have you ever chopped bananas up for a nice fruit salad for your backyard bbq and worried that you just may insult your guests and lose friends due to your uneven banana slices? I personally haven’t, because my friends are much more concerned with how cold the beer is in the cooler. However, there are some highly anal retentive people in the world that can’t take the strain of having imperfect banana slices thrust upon their plates…and for them comes this oh-so-amazing product!

Take a gander at the ridiculousness of this thing. Obviously that picture is just the product being used as a protective banana cage of some sort. (OMG – They totally missed out on a dual-marketing opportunity there!) This would undoubtedly keep it safe from the predators that roam your home! However, to actually  use it, you would have to turn it upside down and push the frigging banana through the slicer. Nobody wants perfect banana slices with finger pressings all over it. It will get all bruised up! Then the bruises will turn black, and before you know it your “friends” will be telling everyone in town what a crappy bbq you threw. Great…

Anyway…it is posted on Amazon for $5.49 and may contain some of the funniest/most sarcastic review comments I have ever seen. Here are a few of my favorites:

*For decades I have been trying to come up with an ideal way to slice a banana. “Use a knife!” they say. Well…my parole officer won’t allow me to be around knives. Then, after a fit of banana-induced rage, my parole officer introduced me to this kitchen marvel and my life was changed!

*I found myself in between a rock and some creatures lake when I saw something gold glint on the lake shore. I picked it up and a Victoria Kitchen 571B Banana Slicer came out of the dirt. No sooner did I hear Gollum scream “why can’t we cuts the banana straight!”. I hid the banana slicer and narrowly escaped. I’ve grown obsessed with it. Everyone wants it but it’s MINE! 

*No longer do I have to get out a ruler to make sure I slice the banana in to equal pieces. Every time I am a centimeter off I would have to throw away the whole banana and start over! I spent an average of $1.00 a week on banana because of this. Thanks to this amazing invention I can save so much time and money now!

*I was thinking that this device is beneficial to EVERYONE with only one exception…Chuck Norris! I mean, duh, everyone knows that when Chuck Norris looks at a banana, it peels and slices itself!!!

There’s pages upon pages more of these comments and you can check them out here, if you’ve got some spare time on your hands and need a chuckle!

Again, thank you The Room Mom for enlightening the rest of us to the greatness of the Banana Slicer! I don’t know how we have possibly made it this far in life without it! Be sure to check her blog out! It’s full of ideas for parents and teachers…and no I have never featured her on my blog for special attention ridicule! I actually really like her ideas!

Banana Slicer, although you just may have some of the funniest reviews ever posted on, I still must dub thee Unpinteresting. Just use a knife you lazy bitches!

PS – If you ever come across something great like this, feel free to send it my way at If I use it, I promise to give you the proper shout out that you deserve! Outstanding Obits are always especially welcomed!


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The New 90…EEK!

In case you don’t know, the picture above is Jackie Stallone…Sylvester Stallone’s 90 year old mother! He brought her as his date to his film premiere a few nights ago, and this is what she looks like. Holy crap on a cracker! That woman has had more plastic surgery than Joan Rivers and Heidi Montag combined!  She has officially set a new standard for trout lips!

Let’s do a side by side comparison, shall we?

This is what she looked like in 2005 at the age of 83 when she was on Celeb Big Brother UK:


and a close up of her now:


I cannot even fathom how much money this woman has spent on plastic surgery! She’s got lips like ass cheeks, and if she gets her face stretched any tighter, her skin is going to actually rip. Imagine what she looks like when she gets up in the morning? It’s got to be a flat out horror show! You know who she reminds me of? Big Ang. Sadly she actually looks better than that train wreck does.

I cannot believe a 90 year old woman can look like this. She surely doesn’t have to worry about disintegration when she passes away because she’s got enough filler in her to last through eternity. If she gets cremated, they better back the hell up in case of explosion when the heat hits her.

I cannot stop staring at her picture. She truly has taken the whole “refusing to grow old gracefully” thing to a new level. Wow…just wow!

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Welcome to New York!

Even if you have never visited New York City in your life, I am sure that you have read enough about it to know that you don’t leave your Maserati running in Times Square without thinking something might happen to it…even if you are standing right next to it…at 4:40am.

See What Had Happened Was…Chadwick Lange just moved to NYC from Florida and thought he was hot shit tooling around the Manhattan in his brand new Maserati. As he was cruising through Times Square, he saw an acquaintance (mmmhmmm) standing on the sidewalk, so he pulled over for a chat. Because he is new to NYC (and incredibly stupid), he leaves the car running while he stands there and chats it up with his friend.  Being it’s NYC, two guys come up and ask if they can pose for pictures with his car. After said pictures are taken, the one guy hops in the driver’s seat and takes off down the block. His accomplice chases the car down the street, hops in at the light, and off they go with Chadwick’s car, while he stands there like a jackass.

Well, welcome to New York Chadwick Lange! Perhaps you were a big shot Real Estate guy down in Florida, but you’re not in Florida anymore buddy. When you choose to move to New York City, you need some street smarts or shit like this is going to happen. First of all, driving a Maserati in NYC is ridiculous. The streets are packed, and the cabbies are crazy…even at 4:40am.  Speaking of 4:40am, how do you just move there and just happen to “know” someone who’s milling around Times Square at that hour? I’m finding a slight hole in your story there, but whatever.

As for your car getting stolen, you totally deserve that. If you are idiotic enough to both leave the car running and let people pose with your car, then don’t stand there like a  gaping moron when it’s driving down the street without you in it. I’m sure the two guys who posed by your car looked like such upstanding citizens that you saw nothing wrong with them taking pics next to your $150,000 car, that was running, right? People are so friendly in NYC, especially at 4:40am in Times Square.

Chadwick Lange is officially in the running for the “Idiot of the Year” Award. Since this made national news, I am sure there are some people down in Florida laughing their asses off, because he sounds like the kind of guy who would say things like “Florida is too small for me! I need to go conquer Manhattan!”. Well Chadwick, Manhattan conquered you and everyone knows about it. You wound up on the front page of every newspaper in the city, and all of the news stations too. Way to go!  Perhaps you should move your ass back to Florida, because NYC is not for you. Seriously…it’s not.

BTW – The car is still missing. The NYPD can find a needle in a haystack, so I’m pretty sure they aren’t exactly searching to hard for it.

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Upcycled Justin Bieber Plastic Cap Knuckle Ring

Look at what I found on Etsy today…an “Upcycled Justin Bieber Plastic Cap Knuckle Ring”.    I want you to know that I thank my lucky stars that my daughter had Bieber Fever for about 2 days, and then snapped to her senses. This kid irks the crap out of me, and I seriously cannot wait to see him on a “Where Are They Now” segment on VH1 in about 1o-15 years, all bloated and washed up.

As for this ring, here’s what the seller has to say about it:

For the Bieber Fan!

This piece was on hiatus for the month of June. I was asked to loan it out for the filming of a new Paramount film titled Acid Girls. Hopefully it made the cut! 

The first of its kind, I made this knuckle ring from a white plastic cap. Inside I’ve cast Justin in resin surrounded by glitter and gold stars. It is sure to get you some attention! 

Well, whoop-de-friggin-do, it might be in a movie. That’s still no reason to shell out $30.00 for this thing. Seriously…$30.00 for an upcycled plastic cap with Justin Beiber’s face and some glitter?!?  I think not. I might consider it if I could maybe slap him one while wearing it. If I could go dirty and wear it palm side in, I might go $35.oo because that would be money well spent,  but otherwise…this is a no-go.  Save your money and buy it at a garage sale in about 3 years for $.30. Then you might get your money’s worth.

Upcycled Justin Bieber Plastic Cap Knuckle Ring…That’s Shitsy!

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