Spraying Soda Panic


I-Witness Account

Location: Walmart (Where many of my stories are likely to stem from!)

I am in Walmart WAY too often! I admit it.  It’s just too damn convenient for me, considering it’s about five minutes from my house. I see some major ” Oh Yes They Did” moments in there. It’s like a breeding ground for idiocy…case in point:

I always food shop bright and early on Sunday mornings. I like to get it out of the way, and it’s probably for the best because I have a low tolerance for large crowds of stupid people.

Here’s the scene: I’m on line with 3 women in front of me, a woman cashier, and a middle aged man checking out. (Side note: Walmart really pisses me off with their never-having-more-than-two-registers-open-early-in-the-morning thing. Jesus Christ…you have a ton of workers milling around doing nothing…get their asses on the registers! But I digress…) Anyway, the man drops a two liter bottle of Diet Coke and it explodes. The woman behind him starts screaming in that high pitched “AAAAGGGHHHH” way the rest of us normal people HATE, like she’s being murdered. Then the cashier and the other two ladies in front of me join in with the same crazy-assed “AAAAGGGHHHH”, and they don’t stop until the bottle stops fizzing…and then they all giggled. (Sigh!) They produced a sound that I don’t think I am physically capable of producing…even if you were cutting one of my toes off with a machete!  I just stood there staring at them like the complete morons that they are, with a mixture of disbelief and disgust on my face…as did the man who dropped the soda.

Ladies…seriously…this is why people think women are weak. You four are a complete disgrace to the rest of the female race that actually have an ounce of steadfastness in their blood. Screeching like banshees who are being stabbed repeatedly, over a fizzing bottle of soda?!? Really?!? When it was over, the one woman actually said “Wow…that was scary!” SCARY?!? FIZZING SODA IS SCARY?!?!?  Holy Crap!

Did I mention it was 7 am? Waaayyy too early for this ridiculousness! Did I mention that none of those screeching hens even got so much as a drop of soda on them? That’s right…none of them…although by the time it ended, I wished it did.  Can you imagine what those four are like in the event of an actual emergency?? They’d be the first ones I’d throw right into the line of fire in order to protect myself.  Believe it….and believe it that when I was able to get past my you-disgust-me face, I changed lines.  I honestly don’t know how women like that make through any day of their lives.

Way to hold it together ladies.

On behalf of the rest of the women in the world, I was embarrassed for you.

It’s a crazy world out there people….and I’m just here to report it.



Filed under I-Witness

2 responses to “Spraying Soda Panic

  1. Screeching hens! Ha ha ha. I feel for you. Bet you’re never going to Walmart at 7 in the morning again:-)

  2. Oh, I’ll still go that early…otherwise I have a higher chance of hurting someone…besides I get some of my best stories bright and early. 😉

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