Monthly Archives: June 2013

Not Your Typical Baby Shower Game…


Ladies, unless the baby shower is for you, your sister, or your best friend, you know you roll your eyes a little bit every time you get an invitation for one. They are definitely more fun than bridal showers, but by the time of cake is served, the last gift is opened, and the adorable mother-to-be poses in her hat made of bows, you know you are mentally figuring out just how much longer you have to sit there before you can make your escape. C’mon…you know this is the truth.

Ladies, you also know that you’re going to have to play the requisite baby shower games. It’s just part of the deal to keep your interest while the gifts are opened. It’s always the same basic stuff…especially the whole “gift bingo” thing. (Side note…Am I the only one who totally goes blank halfway through filling that out? You know what she’s going to get, but when that half blank board is sitting in front of you, it’s like you’ve never been to a baby shower in your entire life!)

That being said, look at what I found on Etsy today…a new game to spice up that baby shower…Pin the Baby on the Vajayjay! Yep, no more struggling to come up with “receiving blankets” on that bingo board. You’ve got a bullseye on her vajayjay to keep you interested instead.

Here’s what the seller had to say about it:

<em>Moms are growing weary of cutesy, cutesy, cutesy. Guys are coming to baby showers. And, quite frankly, no one really wants to eat “poo” from a diaper.

Overheard at PTBOTVajayjay showers:
“Zombie baby? Hell, yeah!”
“Ew. Sticky umbilical cords!”
“Is that supposed to be Frieda Khalo?”

Game comes with 16 Adorkable Babies, 16 umbilical cords, and one two-sided poster of mom in delivery. One side is light skinned, the other dark.</em>

I will give the seller this much, making one side light skinned, and the other side dark skinned is pretty brilliant marketing. Otherwise…no.

Here’s what would happen if I played this…I would picture the mother-to-be’s face on here. I know I would. We all know that unless she has a a c-section, this is how she is going to look. I like to look at her currently pregnant belly, and I will be thrilled to see that beautiful baby when it comes out…but I’m not really interested in picturing it actually coming out. Nah, I’m good. Although, I would get a chuckle out of seeing the guys play this game. You KNOW they’re cringing picturing the mother-to-be like that, especially if it’s their sister. (Well, maybe that comment depends on where you live!) By the way ladies, when it comes to inviting men to a baby shower. They really don’t want to go. Even if there’s a ton of beer. They don’t care! Ask one if you think I’m lying.

Anyway, if you are interested in having everyone at the next shower you throw picturing the mother-to-be screaming and giving birth, then head on over to Etsy  and plunk down your $24.95. Unless the shower is next week, there’s no rush because she has 95 in stock.

Pin the Baby on the Vajayjay…That’s Shitsy!

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Bartering For Rent…Bad Idea!


From the What Had Happened Was files…

See this guy here? This is Samuel Otero of Florida…and you REALLY DO NOT want to EVER have him as a roommate! Seriously, you are better off living anywhere… a dumpster, inside a dripping sewer conduit…anywhere but with this guy.

What had happened was…Samuel had a very interesting arrangement with his ex-roommate. Apparently the bartering system is alive and well, because the deal between them was rather than paying rent money, the ex-roomie “paid” him with naked photos of himself instead. (Yes, you read that right!)  This little deal worked out nicely for a year, ( Really, a year?) but then the roomie started to feel “uncomfortable” about it, and moved out. (If he was smart, he moved out in the middle of the night on tiptoes!). Anyway, Samuel didn’t exactly take the shunning lightly (I mean, a guy’s gotta get paid, er, “paid”), so he got a touch vindictive. By vindictive, I mean he did things like constantly sending harassing texts threatening to kill him…oh, and just so happened to make a ton of copies of the “rent” and taped them all over his car…AND…HIS GRANDMOTHER’S CAR! (Oh Yes He Did!!!). He was subsequently arrested for stalking and released on a $5,500 bond.

OK, a few things here…

1.  When are people going to learn with the naked pictures thing? You KNOW they’re going to come to bite you in the ass someday…or in this case, permanently scar your Grandmother’s retinas for life.

2. How does this deal even come about? “Hey, I really want to live here, but I’m pretty broke. How’s about I just give you some naked shots of me every month instead? It’s worth more than any currency I could ever hand you!” …”Yeah, that’s a great idea.”  Ummm.  I’m not quite sure if this is what our forefathers had in mind.

3. Back to the pictures. I wonder if he really had to start “working it” over the course of the year. I wonder if the ex-roomie had to take requests after a while.  I’m sure he couldn’t just keep doing the same stale old shot, right? That would be some crappy bartering right there.

4. How the hell did it take the ex-roomie A YEAR to start to feel “uncomfortable” with this?!? Maybe he figured he already gave the guy enough to make a photo calendar out of, so it was the perfect time to make his great escape. Let me tell you something, I can look at this guy’s picture for 3 seconds and feel “uncomfortable”….but then again, if you’re willing to make this deal, your sanity is pretty much in question anyway.

5. I hate to say it, but you kind of have to hand it to Samuel on this one. This guy is Grade A Vindictive. He started basic…with the “I’m going to kill you!” texts, and sure, he’s not the first to vandalize someone’s car…but to go balls to the wall and head straight for GRANDMA’S car with the naked pictures?!? Holy Shit. That’s just going dead for the jugular with a machete! This guy has raised the bar for all of the rest of the stalkers in training. He might even get his own term like “Don’t make me Samuel you!”

6. He got a bail of $5,500??!? Wonder if he tried to barter his way out of that one.

7. about poor Grandma? Imagine her coming out in the morning in her nice little senior community and seeing that action on her car??? You KNOW he didn’t just put a few in a tidy pile under the windshield wiper! He’s CRAZY, and probably made quite a collage. (The article did say he PLASTERED her car with them!)  You know the first old lady that was out walking at 5:30 AM and saw that, prancercised her ass back home lickety-split to call everyone up (but Grandma) to see this! Gossip spreads faster in those communities than anywhere else in the world…but I digress. Back to Grandma…Once you see something, you can never un-see it. Sure, Grandma probably saw him naked a million times when he was a baby, but I’m thinking it’s a teensy bit different when she sees him splaying his junk like a champ as an adult. God, I hope she has cataracts so she didn’t catch the full brunt, but you know she saw each and every single one. Imagine how fun it was for her to remove each one from the car? Bet it took a while, because Florida is HOT and I bet the tape was sticking nicely to the paint. Also, how do you think that conversation went between she and her grandson? It cannot be easy to explain your way out of that one. I have a feeling poor Grandma will never be the same again.

Game, Set, Match Samuel….except for that crooked chin hair he’s rocking in his mug shot.. I bet he’s got a shaky hand though from all of that pent up rage, thus making shaving a straight line kinda tough.

Moral of the story:

1. Don’t barter for rent.

2. If you really have to barter, naked pictures are a really  bad idea.

3.  If you see Samuel…RUN. He is one crazy bitch!

Happy Friday everyone!

PS: No way I’m putting this one in the running for the “What Had Happened Was” story of the year! Uh-uh! What if he doesn’t win? That probably won’t go well.  Again (in the eloquent words of Miley Cyrus) – He’s “Cray!”

*Article courtesy of the New York Daily News.

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Afternoon Delight…Or Maybe Not.


It’s Summer!!! I’m back and ready to resume blogging…and I think I found a real winner to kick off summer! Let me introduce you to these two brilliant exhibitionists from Philadelphia, PA. (Yayyyy! They’re not from NJ!)

What had happened was…apparently they couldn’t wait until they got home to be overcome with lust (or whatever), so they decided to have at it, right there in Naylor’s Run Park in Upper Darby.  You might think they ducked behind a tree (you know, like a big, fat 50 year old Oak tree) or behind a bush, but nope! Instead they decided to go to town right out in the open, over the bench on the first base line of the baseball field , in broad daylight at 4pm. Hopefully no poor kids had to be scarred by witnessing that, but I’ll tell you who did happen to stumble upon it…the 25 BIKE COPS who were out on a training ride. That’s right…they got arrested by 25 police officers! TWENTY.FIVE.  That is GREAT!!! They had their own riot squad! You know every single one of those officers was totally howling on the inside…and likely all wanted to stick a bar of soap in their eyes. I hope that $30,000 bail they had to post was worth it! (I highly doubt it was!)

Aside from the obvious reasons this amuses/disgusts me, I’d be lying if I didn’t say that they are out of their minds for an additional reason. Do you know how friggin hot it has been here lately??? I’m talking like 100* heat index and full humidity!! I go out to get the mail and get annoyed at how sweaty I am. Who wants to be having some afternoon delight outside in that weather?!? Plus she’s got some lily white skin there. I doubt she took the time to put some sun block on her back. (Read the article if you want to know what that comment meant.)  They should be happy that 25 bike cops came rolling up. These two had a good shot of dying of heat stroke or dehydration before they were done!

I think I hit a real home run with my first post of the summer (Sorry. Had to!), but if you’d like to read the actual news article, then here it is courtesy of the New York Daily News. The quotes are actually quite hysterical!

Just another entry towards my “What Had Happened Was” Story of the Year! I’ve got 6 months to see if anyone can top getting arrested by 25 officers. I have faith in the morons of America that it can be beat!

Happy Summer everyone!!! See you soon!!!


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