Category Archives: Internet Scores

No More Panty Lines


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Cyber Monday Alert for the ladies…Strapless panties.  (Yeah, that’s a new one by me too!)

Apparently it sticks to your lady parts via adhesive, so you don’t have unsightly panty lines, noticeable swamp ass, or the dreaded whale tail.

I’m just going to let you read a review before I post my own thoughts on this…

Basically, the Shibue Strapless Panty was really easy to put on. You stick on the front, and then the back. I have really sensitive skin, so I was worried the adhesive would bother it, but it never did. The panty ended up being quite comfortable. I was also worried that going to the bathroom would be a pain, but it was very easy to get the panty off and back on again. I was quite surprised with how well it actually worked. However, it seemed to start to not re-apply well when doing anything that caused a good amount of sweating, so I wouldn’t recommend them for any really active activity where you’re going to be sweating a lot. You can get it to re-apply in that case, by drying off the area first, but if you’re going to be continually sweating, it can be a bit of a hassle.

Overall, I think the Shibue Couture Strapless Panty is a great alternative for women who don’t want panty lines, or would otherwise go without panties altogether. It’s really easy to use, and re-usable, and is great for any occasion where panty lines are an issue.

Now…a few things here…

#1. I don’t care what this lady says…adhesive stuck to your lady parts cannot be all that comfortable….and I have a hard time believing it peels off as gently and easily as advertised.

#2.  It’s washable and reusable? How the heck is there any adhesive left once you wash it? Is the adhesive actually velcro-like? Now that really can’t be comfortable!

#3.  If you get sweaty, it doesn’t work as well. OK,  sweatiness is a no go, but you can wash it and it still works? Huh?

Here’s my take…either put on a thong or go commando. Either of those has to be better than this.

I don’t know about the rest of you ladies, but I’m not really down with this.

However, if this is something you’re interested in because you would like adhesive stuck to your lady parts, then by all means head over to Shibue and order yours for $15…or you can head over to Amazon and get a whole big multi-pack that also includes pasties for between $30-$150.

Shibue Strapless Panties…I just can’t bring myself to call you an Internet Score.

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Santa Claus Lycra Spandex Suit


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Would you like to put an image in children’s minds that would possibly scar them forever? Perhaps a really bratty niece or nephew? How about that annoying neighborhood kid that gets under your skin all year long? (There’s always one!)

Do you have some sweet paunch that could fill this out in a horrific manner? (I mean, really…who do you know that could perfectly fill this out?)

Do you want to absolutely destroy the upcoming Christmas party you really don’t even want to go to?

Do you not mind lycra vacuum sealed across your face?  (It is a good idea to disguise your face if you’re going to wear this!)

If you answered yes to any of the aforementioned queries, or came up with your own reason (I won’t judge!), then hustle your holly jolly ass over to milanoo.com, and for $52.99, you’ll be able to  squeeze yourself into this bad boy before you know it! (If you do, can you please send pics so I can enjoy your brazenness!) By the way, it’s unisex. (Seriously ladies…NO! Let the men poorly rock this!)

Santa Claus Lycra Spandex Suit…total Internet Score!!

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Chimney Jesus


chimney1It’s that time of year again, my friends! Black Friday starts my tips for “interesting” Christmas gifts. With the winners I find, the chances of you having to worry about someone receiving doubles of your gift are slim. Hell, throw out the gift receipt…they’re not going to need it…and besides, with the awesomeness you’ll be betrothing upon your friends and loved ones, they would NEVER dare think of returning it! (At least with you knowing!)

So, without further ado, I bring you the first of many spectacular gifting possibilities…Chimney Jesus!

Do you want to screw up your children’s idea of Christmas by crossing stories?

Do you want people to remember the “real reason for the season”?

Are you “not exactly” religious, like me?

Are you looking to offend your ultra religious friends?

Are you just a total heathen?

If you answered yes to any of the above, then head on over to Zazzle.com and shop to your heart’s delight, because they have everything “Chimney Jesus”!

Here’s just a few examples:

You can start simple for a great deal...just $1 for Chimney Jesus cards!

You can start simple for a great deal…just $1 for Chimney Jesus cards!

Chimney Jesus onesies for the baby! $26.95

Chimney Jesus onesies for the baby! $26.95

Chimney Jesus binder for your holiday picture memories! $21.95

Chimney Jesus binder for your holiday picture memories! $21.95

Chimney Jesus Napkins- $50.95 for a set of four. (OK, that's a little ridiculous!)

Chimney Jesus Napkins- $50.95 for a set of four. (OK, that’s a little ridiculous!)

and finally, for those of you with money to burn:

Chimney Jesus stretch canvas print - $158.95

Chimney Jesus stretch canvas print – $158.95

I could go on and on, because there’s tons more Chimney Jesus items…like water bottles, outfits for your dog, phone cases, mugs, etc…but you can just head on over to Zazzle.com and peruse on your own!

Chimney Jesus…the first of many great gift ideas!

Stop back (or subscribe to my blog…hint,hint) for other gift ideas to wow your family and friends with between now and Christmas! I’ll take good care of you. Promise!

 

 

 

 

 

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Shittens…Yes, Shittens!


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I normally don’t do two posts in one day, but this was just too good to wait until tomorrow!!! In case you haven’t seen this on the web yet, let me be the first to introduce you to the absolute internet gold of “Shittens”.

Now,I know…you think this is a joke, right?? Well, it’s not. I researched it, and this fine product actually exists!

Here’s the sales pitch:

If there’s one great universal truth that we can all agree on, it’s this: No one wants poop on their hands.

And yet, we laugh carelessly in the face of danger every time we take an old fashioned wet wipe to our heinies, flying completely blind in the critical poop-to-hand spatial relation.

How many times have you taken one of those substandard wet wipes to the posterior of a child, risking major contamination from that flailing poop cloth? And how many times has your dog’s “number two” been a little closer to a number one “and a half”, requiring a deadly grab & pull maneuver with whatever’s laying around? Enough is enough!

With new Shittens, you can fully protect your hands while tending to the dirty deed.

Need more proof? Check out the Shittens  YouTube video!  That catchy little jingle is going to be in your head all day. You’re welcome!

If you want to order yourself a 20 pack of pre-moistened Shittens (I know some of you are actually thinking about it!), hoof it on over to the Shittens site, and get them for a mere $9.95.

Shittens….I have waited for over year for someone to not be totally insulted by it when I talk about their product and say “That’s Shitsy”!!!

resell (1)PS – I clearly have no aspirations of getting Freshly Pressed with this post!

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Posh Puppy Purses


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Attention tiny dog owners!!!If you have been so gauche as to actually walk your little smooshy-face on a leash on the mean streets of Manhattan, then you are sooooo out of the loop. If you don’t want your high class friends to drop you like yesterday’s news, then you need the Puppy Purse! You know Sir Smooshy-Face is far too good to let his little tootsies actually touch the pavement where the rest of the heathens walk! Perish the thought, you awful dog owner you! If you’re not carrying  in him in this contraption, or God forbid carrying him in a designer tote bag (which is so last year!) then the rich, snooty dog police may have to give you a citation and seize that little pooch from the life of horror it obviously has been enduring in your care!

Doesn’t he look comfortable? (Um, no he does not!) Well he should be comfortable while he is dangled precariously from that leather strapped harness giving his legs nowhere to go but to float freely in the air as you stroll down Park Avenue. Just make sure your dog is 6 pounds or under, because otherwise it won’t work out. Does that even really need to be said? Come on now, everyone knows the ultra rich only own dogs that small. You can’t possible have a 7 pound dog in your penthouse apartment! It goes against the rules of life, don’t you know!

If you’re looking to transport your own Sir Smoooshy-Face in the most glamorous way possible, you are too late to get one at the PetCo on the Upper West Side. They sold out like hotcakes. (I’m having a hard even picturing the ultra rich ever setting foot in a PetCo!) Fret not though, my snobby friends, because you can browse through a vast selection of Puppy Purses at BitchNewYork.com! Prices range from $66 – $100.00.  Anyone whose anyone buys the $100 Pink Biker Baby Puppy Purse, of course!

I’d keep going, but I must go walk my two giant mastiffs on their leashes now. If they only knew what a low rent owner they really had, huh? Sigh, such white trash we are in this house.

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Freaky “Booty” Googling


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I have to laugh at the amount of traffic that has come to my site thanks to people googling the following phrases:

1. Ghetto Booty

2. Giant Ghetto Booty

3. Huge Ghetto Booty

and my personal favorite so far…

4. Big Ole Ghetto Booty.

Wow, I write one post on that topic: Diagnosis Ghetto Booty, and the freaks come out of the woodwork. I have a feeling my post wasn’t exactly what they were looking for, but seeing their searches on my stats page cracks me up.

Google on, you freaks…Google on.

PS – Here’s a little something for your time:

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You’re welcome.

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Camel Toe Solution


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Ladies, there are a million fashion no-nos out there to be concerned about, but there is none bigger than sporting camel toe. It is flat out atrocious and can be spotted from a mile away. Every time I see it, I think to myself “How does she NOT feel that?” ((Shudder))

Well, if you are a consistent camel toe sporter, or know someone who is, then this is your lucky day. Cuchini.com has come to the rescue by selling the Camel Toe Solution. That’s right ladies…no more embarrassing front wedgies for you! Just stick the pad in your pants, bathing suit, etc…and voila…you can now go about your business free of giggles from strangers staring at your nether region. You can now keep people wondering what your hoo-ha looks like, rather than them knowing all about it before they ever even make your acquaintance.

A two pack retails for $16.95, and they are reusable. Even Dr. Oz says you need them. What’s a bigger ringing endorsement than that? (Not for nothing, but I’m pretty sure he buys stock in every product he touts before he talks about it on his show.)

Camel Toe Solution…a total Internet Score!

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Bad Non-Candy Easter Basket Ideas


I was the kid who was allergic to regular chocalte and had to get white chocolate very year in my basket. My parents tried to say I got "special" chocolate, but my brother and the neighborhood kids all made fun of me. Yayyyy!

I was the kid who was allergic to regular chocolate and had to get white chocolate every year in my basket. My parents tried to say I got “special” chocolate, but my brother and the neighborhood kids all made fun of me. Yayyyy!


Happy almost Easter everyone! It’s time to get those Easter baskets together, and I know lots of people look for great non-candy items for their baskets. I get that. My daughter is getting older so now she wants things like i-tunes cards, gift cards, nail polish, accessories, etc…however, I found some real winners today when I went online to see what other people put in their children’s baskets. By the way, none of these are a joke either…people actually suggested these.

Polished Rocks...What kid WANTS polished rocks?!?

Polished Rocks…What kid WANTS polished rocks?!?

Pine Cones...because your child can make cute crafts out of them. Yeah, OK.

Pine Cones…because your child can make cute crafts out of them. Yeah, OK.

Granola...just put it in a bag and tell them it's what the Easter Bunny eats. I'm sure they will be thrilled.

Granola…just put it in a bag and tell them it’s what the Easter Bunny eats. I’m sure they will be thrilled.

Veggie Crisps...because every kid wants this in their basket. They also said you could cut up real, fresh veggies if you have time. Thrilling.

Veggie Crisps…because every kid wants this in their basket. They also said you could cut up real, fresh veggies if you have time. Thrilling.

A wedding picture of their parents. (I SWEAR someone said this!) "Look honey, it's your first Easter...and you were at our wedding!"

A wedding picture of their parents. (I SWEAR someone said this!) “Look honey, it’s your first Easter…and you were at our wedding!”

Fresh fruit cut into cote shapes. "They'll forget all about the candy!" No they won't!

Fresh fruit cut into cute shapes. “They’ll forget all about the candy!” No they won’t!

Their "very own" boxes of band-aids. I guess so they don't have to bother you with that whole "I'm bleeding" thing while you secretly scarf down your own hidden candy!

Their “very own” boxes of band-aids. I guess so they don’t have to bother you with that whole “I’m bleeding” thing while you secretly scarf down your own hidden candy!

Wool/felt Easter Eggs...because these will provide minutes, er, hours of entertainment.

Wool/felt Easter Eggs…because these will provide minutes, er, hours of entertainment.

You can cut out animal pictures from National Geographic, and put them in the Easter eggs. After the hunt, the kids can sort them as to where they might live. Wow, that sounds fun.

You can cut out animal pictures from National Geographic, and put them in the Easter eggs. After the hunt, the kids can sort them as to where they might live. Wow, that sounds fun.

An extra 15 minute bedtime delay coupon...how generous...they get to watch half of a show on Nickelodeon.

An extra 15 minute bedtime delay coupon…how generous…they get to watch half of a show on Nickelodeon.

Buy a few puzzles and put all of the different pieces in the egss. After the hunt, give the kids the boxes, and have them swap pieces until they all have their "own" puzzle pieces. Then they can do the puzzles. I have 3 nephews and 2 nieces. This would cause a meltdown of epic proportions. Trust me.

Buy a few puzzles and put all of the different pieces in the eggs. After the hunt, give the kids the boxes, and have them swap pieces until they all have their “own” puzzle pieces. Then they can do the puzzles. I have 3 nephews and 2 nieces. This would cause a meltdown of epic proportions. Trust me.

and finally…

A pedometer...so they can walk off all of that candy they didn't get!

A pedometer…so they can walk off all of that candy they didn’t get!

Come on…. it’s one stinking day a year people! Give them a some candy and then other things that actually enjoyable!

Happy Easter everyone…and my deepest condolences to the kids who get any of the aforementioned items. Your parents are about as fun as watching paint dry.

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Weener Kleener Soap


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Look at this Intenet Score I found today…The Weener Kleener.

Here’s what the seller has to say about it:

The Weener Kleener Soap is every woman’s dream come true. The last thing any man wants when he’s getting romantic with his lady is to be worrying about his junk being as funky as a monkey. Because let’s be honest, whether you’re a macho lumberjack beer drinking raw meat eating homo erectus or a meek and mild antique store owner, we all know without a proper daily regimen of personal hygiene your “situation” will be as odoriferous as the hamper where the NY Giants toss their jockstraps after a big game. Well, worry no more! Because with the Weener Kleener Soap, you will score a hole-in-one when it comes to keeping your “boys” and their pal, Peter Longfellow as fresh as the morning dew. 

One size fits all, unless of course, you’re John Holmes. And, hey! Who says you have to enjoy this experience alone? Grab your lady and pull her into the shower with you and have a game of ring toss. Because in this little competition there really are no losers.

His description is so good, I really don’t have anything to add…except for the fact that the warning that comes with it is great:

Caution: If the Weener Kleener ever become stuck, soak area with COLD water.

If you’re in the market for a Weener Kleener, scrape up $6.95 and head on over and buy one.

The Weener Kleener…a total Internet Score!

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Ah Love!


il_570xN.421598787_1eu7With love comes honesty.

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