Tag Archives: Christmas

Chicken Christmas Sweater


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Look at what I found on Etsy today…a homemade crocheted Chicken Christmas Sweater! If you’ve been here before,then you know I have a small fascination with the things people come up with to crotchet. This is one I have never seen before! A Chicken Sweater? With a Christmas theme? Chickens need themed sweaters?!? Am I missing something here?

Now I tried to rationalize this in my mind as I sat and stared at it, but I couldn’t. Do chickens really get that cold? I live at the shore and know basically zero about chickens, but I have my doubts here. (If any of you know differently about this and would like to school me, please do!)  I look at this picture and picture someone ridiculously trying to “wrassle” their chicken into this while it squawks like it’s being killed for Sunday dinner.  Also,I notice this chicken in said sweater is on a table in the house. Is this normal chicken owning behavior?? People let chickens roam free in their homes? They’re not potty trained!!!  If so, why does the chicken even need a sweater? It’s inside where it’s warm, right? Sigh. I don’t get any of this!!

I bet you’re wondering what the top looks like, aren’t you? Well, here you go:

chicken2Apparently it snaps nicely around the chicken’s body for easy on, easy off.

If you’re in the market for a Chicken Christmas Sweater,then hustle on over to Etsy and snap this up because there’s only one in stock.  It retails for $17, which I guess is a good deal. (Truthfully, I have no idea what a Chicken Sweater should cost!)

Maybe this is something someone would like or find useful,but I’d be 100% lying if I said I fit into that category of people(or knew anyone who did), therefore…

Chicken Christmas Sweater…That’s Shitsy!

 

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Custom Vagina Ornament


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Look at what I found on Etsy today…a Custom Vagina Ornament for your Christmas tree.

I have to tell you that I never knew there was such a market for vagina-like items until I started poking around for my blog….but I digress.

Before I go any further, here’s what the seller had to say about it:
***TODAY (Dec. 9) IS THE LAST DAY to order Christmas *%#$@, &#$&@, (I REALLY had to censor that!) and pendants handmade by me before I shut down my shop for the rest of the year. With Christmas visitors now on the way, I am now unable to take additional orders past the 9th on made-to-order items. I am only making ONE MORE BATCH THIS YEAR, so get your order in now if you want one!***

Never another dull ornament exchange or Secret Santa game again. Something to be re-gifted year after year for added holiday fun!

Ah, the beauty of womanhood! Perfect as a OOAK (one of a kind) gag gift for that special someone, or to hang on the Christmas tree, office cubicle (or anywhere else you imagination come up with)!

(Just tell Grandma it’s a flower. Think Georgia O’Keefe!)

Ummm. Yeah. That’s what she’s selling (and another censored body part too) for you to hang on your tree this season.

You know what I hope? I hope Grandma knows exactly what that is  and embarrasses you in front of the entire family by proclaiming “Who the hell hangs a vagina on their Christmas tree?!?”.  Now that would be a Christmas memory that would be talked about for years to come.

As the seller stated, today is the LAST DAY she is making these classy ornaments, so if you want to order one, you have to get over to her shop on Etsy by midnight. She wants $29.99 for this. I don’t really foresee a stampede occurring here. I’m sure she will have plenty of time to spend with her “Christmas visitors” who are “on the way”, who clearly have no idea what an entrepreneur she really is.

Custom Vagina Ornament…That’s Shitsy!

 

 

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Wine Glass Calorie Counter…No Bueno!


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Welcome to December!!! Every day, up until Christmas, I will be featuring all kinds of “Oh No They Didn’t” Christmas related posts…be it crazy gifts or crafts. Consider it my very own Christmas countdown for you! Hopefully you’ll check in every day to see what happy little treasure I’ve found!

So, this is what I found on Pinterest today…A Wine Glass Calorie Counter.

Let me tell you something about this…If I go to someone’s house for a Christmas Party, and this is the wine glass they hand me, I am going to be PISSED! Why would you try to ruin my beloved wine for me? I LOVE wine. It is the nectar of the Gods and this is the glass you pour it in, you heathen???  Wine falls in the same category as birthday cake…there are no calories in either one…haven’t you heard? If not, you really need to get out more!

You know who does something like this…those pain in the ass nutrition freaks who HAVE TO tell you “how bad” everything is for you. “If you drink two glasses of wine, you’ll have to work out a little extra tomorrow to burn that off.”  Shut up…seriously. Guess what sister? I’m going straight for the “Who Cares” line, and there’s a good chance I may drink most of the bottle…because it’s a god-damn PARTY…and tomorrow, if my head hurts a little, I won’t even go work out. I’ll just lay on the couch with my extra calories making some new fat cells, how’s that?!?  Did you give the beer drinkers mugs with calorie counts on them? What about the mixed drinks glasses or the Egg Nog glasses? Are you ruining those for everyone too, or is it just me over here trying to enjoy my healthy wine? Did you put  little caloric intake signs next to all of the dips, cheeses, and desserts you put out? No?!? Then don’t do it to my wine glass either! Besides, wine keeps the blood flowing…therefore, I’m fairly certain mine runs through my veins like a freight train. Next time, worry about yourself. I’m good, trust me.

This wine glass is nothing short of a deal breaker for me.  In fact, it may spell the end of a friendship. ( Although in taking a mental inventory of my friends, I can’t think of one who would do this!)  It is entirely unacceptable! In fact, if you put these glasses out, I think it’s a written guarantee that you are no fun and your party is going to be a few hours of my life that I can’t get back. Thanks a lot.

Wine Glass Calorie Counter…I dub thee Unpinteresting!

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Insulting Secret Santa Gifts


Look at what I found on Pinterest today…”Secret Santa Gifts that cost under $2.00″.  Yes, you read that right…TWO FRIGGIN DOLLARS! This is seriously the cheapest “Secret Santa” I have ever seen in my life! If you’re going to do a “Secret Santa” thing at work, you need to go at least $10 to get something decent.  If anyone ever said to me, “Hey, we’re doing a Secret Santa with a $2.00 limit! Are you in?”…I wouldn’t be able to say “No!” fast enough so I wouldn’t get betrothed with any of this shit….or ask if it’s a joke. I’m thinking they don’t even announce a set limit of $2.00, but just go with this as what they’re going to give! I’d be pissed if I put a bunch of thought into what to get someone and then got this in return!  Enjoy:

You’re gettin’ ‘Muffin” for Christmas!“…WTF! I’d rather have nothing.

“We’re ‘ROOTING’ for you to have a happy holiday season and a wonderful new year!”. Again with the damn root beer as a gift? Do the streamers make it snazzy? I’m rooting for you to get the hell out of here with your cheap gift! And does “we” symbolize this coming from a group? Holy crap.

“I’d SODA like to wish you a Merry Christmas!”. I’d soda like to club you over the head with this. Friggin dollar store Shasta Twist? You’re a real spendthrift / wordsmith!

“May your days be merry, your heart be light, your Christmas merry, and your New Year bright”. Great, just what I need…dollar store candles that’ll burn my house down.

“Don’t have a ‘COW’, have a Merry Christmas!”. Boy, that is simply shit-tastic!

May your holidays be ‘POPPIN!“. You gave me ONE box of ‘3 for $2.00’ popcorn? You spoil me…really you do! Oh, and 1985 called…they want the term “Poppin” back.

Snickers minis jammed in whisk! “We ‘WISK’ we could do more, but don’t ‘SNICKER’. Just be glad you got something!” Hey asshole, next time you’re at the dollar store, purchase a dictionary, because you even spelled ‘whisk” wrong! “WISK” is detergent, genius! And no one would be glad getting this.

“We WISK you a Merry KISSmas!” Again, with the misspelling of ‘whisk’. God, you’re a jackass!

“We couldn’t RESTRAIN ourselves from wishing you a very Merry Christmas!” Really? Don’t act insulted when I can’t restrain myself from telling you that your gift sucks!


“Time to ring out the old, and bring in the new…Might as well start with the scrubber brush!” What? You gave a SCRUBBER BRUSH as a gift? The only ‘ring out the old and bring in the new’ I would be doing here is friend-wise…and thanks for insinuating that I need to clean my house!

FUDGE” a little on the calories, and enjoy the holiday season!” You should just make the damn brownies and give them as a gift…although using an egg and some vegetable oil and a fancy paper plate may put you over the $2.00 limit.

“Wishing you a WARM and wonderful holiday season!” That’s great…an $.89 box of hot chocolate and you don’t even have the common courtesy to get the kind with marshmallows in it!

and finally, the Grand Pooba of $2.00 Secret Santa Gifts…

This Christmas you deserve the best…
…a present unlike all the rest.
We considered a new car or exotic cruise,
but decided on something you could really use!
Finally we found a gift to admire,
we hope you like your new washer and dryer!
Happy Holidays!
OMG…I hate you. Your snappy prose does not make this gift any better either.

I have to tell you…I cannot get over these gift wrapped bundles of shit that pass as “Secret Santa” gifts.  The “$2.00” limit is a no-go. If you do this, you should have to stand up in front of everyone and announce that you were the purveyor of this garbage, so everyone knows exactly what you’re made of….you cheap, cheap bastard!

Secret Santa Gifts That Cost Under $2.00…I dub thee Unpinteresting!

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