Tag Archives: Cyber Monday

Chimney Jesus


chimney1It’s that time of year again, my friends! Black Friday starts my tips for “interesting” Christmas gifts. With the winners I find, the chances of you having to worry about someone receiving doubles of your gift are slim. Hell, throw out the gift receipt…they’re not going to need it…and besides, with the awesomeness you’ll be betrothing upon your friends and loved ones, they would NEVER dare think of returning it! (At least with you knowing!)

So, without further ado, I bring you the first of many spectacular gifting possibilities…Chimney Jesus!

Do you want to screw up your children’s idea of Christmas by crossing stories?

Do you want people to remember the “real reason for the season”?

Are you “not exactly” religious, like me?

Are you looking to offend your ultra religious friends?

Are you just a total heathen?

If you answered yes to any of the above, then head on over to Zazzle.com and shop to your heart’s delight, because they have everything “Chimney Jesus”!

Here’s just a few examples:

You can start simple for a great deal...just $1 for Chimney Jesus cards!

You can start simple for a great deal…just $1 for Chimney Jesus cards!

Chimney Jesus onesies for the baby! $26.95

Chimney Jesus onesies for the baby! $26.95

Chimney Jesus binder for your holiday picture memories! $21.95

Chimney Jesus binder for your holiday picture memories! $21.95

Chimney Jesus Napkins- $50.95 for a set of four. (OK, that's a little ridiculous!)

Chimney Jesus Napkins- $50.95 for a set of four. (OK, that’s a little ridiculous!)

and finally, for those of you with money to burn:

Chimney Jesus stretch canvas print - $158.95

Chimney Jesus stretch canvas print – $158.95

I could go on and on, because there’s tons more Chimney Jesus items…like water bottles, outfits for your dog, phone cases, mugs, etc…but you can just head on over to Zazzle.com and peruse on your own!

Chimney Jesus…the first of many great gift ideas!

Stop back (or subscribe to my blog…hint,hint) for other gift ideas to wow your family and friends with between now and Christmas! I’ll take good care of you. Promise!

 

 

 

 

 

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Uterus and Vagina Crochet Plush


 

Look at what else I found on Etsy today… A Uterus and Vagina Crochet Plush with Fallopian Tubes, Ovaries, and Vaginal Canal! (I really should just start a separate section on my blog for crocheted nuclear bombs, because I have no problem locating them!)

Now, who exactly do you give this to for Christmas…aside from someone you know who is an OB-GYN? Even then, it’s a bad idea…and any other person you would give this to, I don’t even want to know about.

Here’s what the seller had to say about it:

Vagina, vaginal canal, cervix, uterus, Fallopian tubes and ovaries. Yes, it kind of looks like an alien bunny rabbit. But it’s also cuddly, non-threateningly educational, and hilarious. 

This is where crocheted babies come from.

Ummm…OK

By the way, you don’t have to buy it as the whole piece either. You can buy the uterus and Fallopian tubes OR the vagina separately…because what if someone doesn’t want the whole thing? How thoughtful on the seller’s part.

If you would like to purchase this item, it’ll run you $32.00 plus $3.00 shipping….unless you just want the uterus/Fallopian tubes combo, which will run you $20.00…OR…just the vagina, which will run you $15.00.  Look at that, you save $3.00 if you buy the combo! Again…thoughtful.

Nothing screams “Merry Christmas” quite like this gift does!

Uterus and Vagina Crochet Plush…That’s Shitsy!

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Crocheted Lingerie


Look at the deal I found on Etsy today…Crocheted Lingerie.

Guys…I speak for all of the ladies when I say NONE OF US want to get this for Christmas. That is such a disaster that you may go on a “dry spell” for quite a while if you give this to your lady as a present!

What the hell is even going on there? The top bra parts are supposed to be Christmas trees. That bottom piece is supposed to be a wrapped present…a very poorly wrapped present. That may be one of the worst merkins I have ever seen. (If you don’t know what a merkin is, google it.) It’s all crooked and sloppy looking…not to mention how incredibly itchy that has got to be. It has potential to be the gift that keeps on giving with the rash one may receive from  wearing that, even for a few minutes. If you want to to do some “unwrapping” on Christmas night, you might want to get something nicer…which would be basically anything other than this crocheted disaster.

You men have been warned…however, if you still think this is something you’d like to buy for your lady (I’m telling you, she will HATE this!), you can scoot on over to Etsy and pay $20.00 for it. You don’t even have to pay shipping…that should tell you something right there, huh? By the way, she only has one in stock, so you really may want to think about whether or not this would even fit your lady. It can only be worse for you if she tries to put this on , and it doesn’t fit! If you make your lady feel un-sexy, I can guarantee that “dry spell” will last even longer than previously predicted.

Do what you will, but don’t act shocked when your lady makes “the face” and then says a few very un-Christmas-like phrases to you if this is what she gets to unwrap on Christmas morning…and for God’s sake ..don’t give it to her in front of the kids!

Crocheted Lingerie…That’s Shitsy! (and likely incredibly itchy)

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Cats Are The Center Of The Universe Hat!


Look at what I found on Etsy today…A Cats Are The Center Of The Universe Hat!!! If you’ve ever read my blog before, you know I am a sucker for ridiculous items people buy for their cats! This baby isn’t even a Black Friday deal…it’s just too bananas not to post!

Cat owners…help me out here please! Why in the hell, of all gifts, would you buy this for your cat? Cats don’t like hats!!! They don’t! Please see Exhibit A: My post Hats For Cats! They HATE hats!!! None of those cats look happy to me! What about the cat above? Does Mr. Notso Fluffy look happy to you? Does he look like he wants the solar system circling his head? No, he most certainly does not! Sheesh!

Here’s what the seller had to say about it:

Your cat knows that it is center of the universe– time to let it know you’re in on the joke! This cat fascinator is a model of our solar system with nine planets attached to the “sun” (cat hat base). This fascinator is for the extremely patient kitty like Notso Fluffy— he will tolerate anything being put on his head and is still for the process. This hat is not meant to be left on kitty’s head for action sequences or for periods of time over a few minutes. 

Planets are made from Styrofoam  painted with acrylic paint and finished with a touch of glitter. They attach to the base using wire which is implanted into more Styrofoam to protect kitty’s head. It is lined with some groovy felt! The cat hat balances well on the back of kitty’s head; using the elastic helps to keep it all in place for short periods of time.

Ah, the word “fascinator” does not even come up with a correct spelling on my spell check…I think she made it up…and no shit that it shouldn’t be left on your kitty’s head for periods of time over a few minutes. How about, it shouldn’t be put your on kitty’s head at.all.ever?!?

People that put hats on their cats are crazy.

If you’re crazy, then shuffle on over to Etsy, pay the seller $25.00 plus $10.00 shipping, and look forward to having one miserable cat that hates you on your hands in the near future.

Cats Are The Center Of The Universe Hat…That’s Shitsy!

(Poor Mr. Notso Fluffy! If I wasn’t allergic to cats, I would drive up to Boston and rescue this poor little bastard from his life of misery. He’d be so much happier in my non-cat-hat-wearing home!)

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Pet Sitter “To Dog” List


Look at this Black Friday deal I found on Etsy today…A Pet Sitter notepad! Let me tell you something…I love my two dogs, but this is just overboard! You have to be the biggest pain in the ass on Earth to pet sit for if you leave this for someone to read and follow!! “Houses To Avoid”? “Grooming”? “Rooms Off Limits”?  Are you kidding me?!? And what the hell is with the “Household Tasks” section??? Unless your dog is a magician and is going to complete those awesome “household tasks” like mail and trash, that shouldn’t even be on there.

You know what I ask my friends to do for my dogs on the rarity that I think they can’t make it while I’m out? I ask them to come over, open my back door so they can go out, and let them back in!  That is IT!!! They won’t even eat if I’m not home! If I left this on the counter, I would get a list back telling me all of the things I could go do to myself and how, waiting for me when I got home.

However, if you are a picky pain in the ass and feel the need to buy this, it retails for $14.00 plus $2.00 shipping. There’s only three in stock, so as always, hurry the hell up!

Pet Sitter “To Dog” List…That’s Shitsy!

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Beard Oil


Look at this Black Friday deal I found on Etsy…Beard Oil!!! This is not just any old Beard Oil, my friends…it’s Olive and Rosemary Beard Oil!!! Oooooooo!!

I have to say that this is the first I have ever heard of such a thing! Is it just me on this one? Who knew that one was supposed to condition their lovely beard hair to make it all soft, silky, and pleasant smelling?!? “Not I!”, said the fly!(That’s one of those wacky expressions my mom used to use….but I digress.)

Here’s what I learned about Beard Oil from the seller:

One bottle goes a LONG way. You only need to use a COUPLE DROPS…. literally!

It’s more about massaging the couple of drops all into the beard hair. Everyone’s process is different, but the general idea is to not saturate the hair, but to just touch it with your oil-moistened fingertips and spread VERY THINLY throughout the beard. This takes a FEW MINUTES but is well worth it for the awesome results.

We’ve heard results can start in as little as 20 minutes. And we made O&R Beard Oil with ingredients that are non-toxic, safe and natural. We also chose ingredients that won’t clog pores!
This is Fragrance Free, however the Rosemary Oil brings a nice aroma to the oils.
We’ve made this formula to be absolutely enjoyable and EFFECTIVE for softening those bristle-like hairs without smelly perfumes or weird additives. Your beard won’t look like a glistening glitter bomb either. It’s muted and you’ll never know it’s there just by looking.

Can I just say that I really love that the seller uses the adjective “glistening glitter bomb”?!? Man, that is some genius marketing skills right there!

The biggest selling point…“I’ve been a mechanic for over 20 years and I got tired of using the same old useless products on the market that over-promise and under-deliver!”  Amen brother!!! If anyone knows about needing a soft beard, it’s a mechanic. They get oil and transmission fluid and shit in their beards. That’s some extra scrubbing for them after a long day in the shop! Betcha the Beard Oil cleans that goop right off, lickety split!

The Beard Oil must be some fantastic stuff because here’s a review:

Audrey says:

{ “Jeez Louise, this stuff makes me wish I had a beard. I’m so excited for him to use it. It smells fabulous. Thanks for the super fast shipping. Xoxoxo” }

C’mon now Audrey…you DO NOT wish you had a beard! Do you? Really? Stop it! When you get around 50, you can use this on the stray hairs that will begin to sprout under chin…how’s that?

Anyway, this retails for $10.95 plus $3.95 shipping. There’s 100 in stock, so no need to hurry the hell up on this one.

Beard Oil…That’s Shitsy!

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20 mm Wooden Beads


 

Look at this Black Friday deal I just found on Etsy…a pack of 100 20 mm wooden beads! They were $13.75, but today they are on sale for $11.69. Are you wondering why these are so exciting? That’s because they aren’t just ANY 20 mm wooden beads…they are “made from the ash tree in sunny Crimea, in the Ukraine!” That got your attention, now didn’t it? Yeah…me neither.

How’s about you head on down to your local Walmart or Michael’s Craft store, pick yourself up a bag of these for like $4.00 and save yourself the $13.75 plus $10.50 in shipping costs. You can still claim they are special 20 mm wooden beads from the ash tree in sunny Crimea in the Ukraine…no one will know the truth, but you…and me…and everyone else who reads this post. We’ll just keep that our little secret…I promise.

100 20 mm wooden beads straight from the ash tree in sunny Crimea in the Ukraine…That’s Shitsy!

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