Expiration Dates

I-Witness Account

Location: Local Irish Eatery on Saint Patrick’s Day

Ladies…I need to put this out there as food for thought…You need to know your expiration dates in life. You know, like when you hit certain ages your time has expired for certain things..case in point.

My family loves St. Paddy’s Day, so every year we head on over to the local Irish eatery for the festivities. It’s got a huge bar, but also serves up some good food, and it’s always a good time on 3/17.

So, this year we get there around noon and secure our table. Everything was great…the food, the drinks, the bagpipers, and the band…and then when some “ladies” started dancing, I got to thinking about “expiration dates”.

Here’s a few things I came up with:

* Pigtails…they expire around age 10. They look ridiculous after that…especially when you’re in your 40’s….no matter when you wear them…but especially in a bar.

*G-Strings…I’m not saying there’s an expiration date on the underwear you wear. I could care less..but when you’re in your 40’s, not in good shape, and we all get to watch you exploit this on the dance floor for over an hour, it’s not good.

It’s not like it was accidently hanging out. If you wear them then you know that sometimes it happens…but she kept pulling it up over her hips out of her jeans, then acting like she forgot it was there where she raised her arms and her shirt went up…her shirt that was down to one button fastening it by the end of the “show”…then would look to see who was looking at her. Honey, that expiration date passed like 20 years ago….and you apparently watch too much reality tv and want to emulate Spring Breakers.  Trying to grind on your other 40-something year old woman posse is “entertaining”, but not in the way you think. I’m sure your kids would have been proud.

If you’re in your 40’s,  wearing pigtails, cranking up your g-string, and dancing like a stripper (well past her expiration date), don’t think the 20-something year old guy who comes over to dance with you wants a piece of your cougar action…his friends are about 10 feet away with their I-Phones out, almost pissing themselves as they take pics to put on Instagram. They’ll talk about that and show the pics all week long too….as they high five each other.

Know your expiration dates ladies…or go out with at least ONE honest friend. You’re welcome.

Honking En Masse

 

Welcome to my very first post in my latest categorical addition to “Oh Yes They Did”…a little something I call I-Witness.  Why do I need this category?  Well, because I witness a ton of ridiculous Oh Yes They Did moments in my everyday life. I don’t know if  it’s because I’m super observant, a complete moron magnet, or a little bit of both.  Whatever the reason, it cracks me up so why not put it out there? Enjoy…

 

Boy, did I witness (and get to take part in) some awesomeness last night in the Wawa parking lot.  Some guy came out of the store and somehow set his car alarm off. Problem there is he couldn’t  shut it off. No matter how many times he hit the button on his key chain, it just kept honking away. After about 15-20 seconds of his car’s incessant honking, everyone else in the parking lot joined in, car by car. (Including me! How could I not?) It turned into a chorus of honks…and of course, not all at the same time…because what fun would that be? We all did have the same cadence though. Honk…honk…honk.  Total strangers,  looking from car to car, hitting their horns and cracking up. The guy who couldn’t get his alarm to stop wasn’t as amused as the rest of us…which made it a thousand times funnier. He finally got it to go off…but for a few moments there we were all on the same page.   I was totally in my glory surrounded by a pack of smart-asses   just like myself.  It was downright hilarious. I’m pretty sure this kind of thing only happens in Jersey….because in case you didn’t know, we’re awesome like that.