Tag Archives: soda

Insulting Secret Santa Gifts


Look at what I found on Pinterest today…”Secret Santa Gifts that cost under $2.00″.  Yes, you read that right…TWO FRIGGIN DOLLARS! This is seriously the cheapest “Secret Santa” I have ever seen in my life! If you’re going to do a “Secret Santa” thing at work, you need to go at least $10 to get something decent.  If anyone ever said to me, “Hey, we’re doing a Secret Santa with a $2.00 limit! Are you in?”…I wouldn’t be able to say “No!” fast enough so I wouldn’t get betrothed with any of this shit….or ask if it’s a joke. I’m thinking they don’t even announce a set limit of $2.00, but just go with this as what they’re going to give! I’d be pissed if I put a bunch of thought into what to get someone and then got this in return!  Enjoy:

You’re gettin’ ‘Muffin” for Christmas!“…WTF! I’d rather have nothing.

“We’re ‘ROOTING’ for you to have a happy holiday season and a wonderful new year!”. Again with the damn root beer as a gift? Do the streamers make it snazzy? I’m rooting for you to get the hell out of here with your cheap gift! And does “we” symbolize this coming from a group? Holy crap.

“I’d SODA like to wish you a Merry Christmas!”. I’d soda like to club you over the head with this. Friggin dollar store Shasta Twist? You’re a real spendthrift / wordsmith!

“May your days be merry, your heart be light, your Christmas merry, and your New Year bright”. Great, just what I need…dollar store candles that’ll burn my house down.

“Don’t have a ‘COW’, have a Merry Christmas!”. Boy, that is simply shit-tastic!

May your holidays be ‘POPPIN!“. You gave me ONE box of ‘3 for $2.00’ popcorn? You spoil me…really you do! Oh, and 1985 called…they want the term “Poppin” back.

Snickers minis jammed in whisk! “We ‘WISK’ we could do more, but don’t ‘SNICKER’. Just be glad you got something!” Hey asshole, next time you’re at the dollar store, purchase a dictionary, because you even spelled ‘whisk” wrong! “WISK” is detergent, genius! And no one would be glad getting this.

“We WISK you a Merry KISSmas!” Again, with the misspelling of ‘whisk’. God, you’re a jackass!

“We couldn’t RESTRAIN ourselves from wishing you a very Merry Christmas!” Really? Don’t act insulted when I can’t restrain myself from telling you that your gift sucks!


“Time to ring out the old, and bring in the new…Might as well start with the scrubber brush!” What? You gave a SCRUBBER BRUSH as a gift? The only ‘ring out the old and bring in the new’ I would be doing here is friend-wise…and thanks for insinuating that I need to clean my house!

FUDGE” a little on the calories, and enjoy the holiday season!” You should just make the damn brownies and give them as a gift…although using an egg and some vegetable oil and a fancy paper plate may put you over the $2.00 limit.

“Wishing you a WARM and wonderful holiday season!” That’s great…an $.89 box of hot chocolate and you don’t even have the common courtesy to get the kind with marshmallows in it!

and finally, the Grand Pooba of $2.00 Secret Santa Gifts…

This Christmas you deserve the best…
…a present unlike all the rest.
We considered a new car or exotic cruise,
but decided on something you could really use!
Finally we found a gift to admire,
we hope you like your new washer and dryer!
Happy Holidays!
OMG…I hate you. Your snappy prose does not make this gift any better either.

I have to tell you…I cannot get over these gift wrapped bundles of shit that pass as “Secret Santa” gifts.  The “$2.00” limit is a no-go. If you do this, you should have to stand up in front of everyone and announce that you were the purveyor of this garbage, so everyone knows exactly what you’re made of….you cheap, cheap bastard!

Secret Santa Gifts That Cost Under $2.00…I dub thee Unpinteresting!

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Teacher’s Gifts Fouls


I love this guy so much I had to use him again!

Look at what I found on Pinterest today…more gifts for teachers that make me chuckle. I’m a teacher, so I’m allowed to say that. I am drawn to teacher’s gifts on Pinterest like a moth to a flame because some of the things people put on there boggle my mind. I’m not an ingrate either, but come on with some of these…

A jug of Simply Lemonade? Huh? Maybe something is in that envelope that pulls it together, but I don’t think so. Simply Lemonade…I don’t get it.

A bag of M&M’s with a note that says “Much and Many Thanks”. If you are going to give this, you should maybe go out on a limb and give the $1.29 King Sized bag…but that still won’t help much.

I don’t get how soda is such a big gift that people give. How about a 6 pack of beer with a tag that says “You were a beery good teacher”. That I’d be happy with….(See, I can make up corny slogans too!)

AGAIN with the “AWesome teacher root beer gift?!? I cannot get over how many people pin variations of this. I said it once, and I’ll say it again…that’s AWful….and are those really mini sodas? Way to go big.

What the hell is going on with the soda madness? Little soda stickers you can print on your computer? Am I supposed to wear this on my shirt? And keep that Crush one to yourself there Oedipus. That’s TMI.

Someone listed this as a great teacher’s gift…an old desk and a globe…because “teacher’s love those things”. Where exactly am I going to put that, hmmm? Don’t do this please.

A Super Teacher apron. This teacher’s colleagues are going to destroy her on this one, trust me.

and finally…

Nothing says “You’ve got a big fat ass and need to work out!” like the gift of Crystal Light. Perhaps it was all of the damn soda and candy that caused the junk in the trunk. I would actually reevaluate my life if I got this…as I drank it mixed with vodka.

So, there you have it…my latest round of gifts teacher’s don’t actually want. I know, I know…”There’s thought behind those.”…true, but they just don’t make any sense to me….whatsoever.

Teacher’s Gifts Fouls….I dub thee Unpinteresting!

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