From the What Had Happened Was files…
See this guy here? This is Samuel Otero of Florida…and you REALLY DO NOT want to EVER have him as a roommate! Seriously, you are better off living anywhere… a dumpster, inside a dripping sewer conduit…anywhere but with this guy.
What had happened was…Samuel had a very interesting arrangement with his ex-roommate. Apparently the bartering system is alive and well, because the deal between them was rather than paying rent money, the ex-roomie “paid” him with naked photos of himself instead. (Yes, you read that right!) This little deal worked out nicely for a year, ( Really, a year?) but then the roomie started to feel “uncomfortable” about it, and moved out. (If he was smart, he moved out in the middle of the night on tiptoes!). Anyway, Samuel didn’t exactly take the shunning lightly (I mean, a guy’s gotta get paid, er, “paid”), so he got a touch vindictive. By vindictive, I mean he did things like constantly sending harassing texts threatening to kill him…oh, and just so happened to make a ton of copies of the “rent” and taped them all over his car…AND…HIS GRANDMOTHER’S CAR! (Oh Yes He Did!!!). He was subsequently arrested for stalking and released on a $5,500 bond.
OK, a few things here…
1. When are people going to learn with the naked pictures thing? You KNOW they’re going to come to bite you in the ass someday…or in this case, permanently scar your Grandmother’s retinas for life.
2. How does this deal even come about? “Hey, I really want to live here, but I’m pretty broke. How’s about I just give you some naked shots of me every month instead? It’s worth more than any currency I could ever hand you!” …”Yeah, that’s a great idea.” Ummm. I’m not quite sure if this is what our forefathers had in mind.
3. Back to the pictures. I wonder if he really had to start “working it” over the course of the year. I wonder if the ex-roomie had to take requests after a while. I’m sure he couldn’t just keep doing the same stale old shot, right? That would be some crappy bartering right there.
4. How the hell did it take the ex-roomie A YEAR to start to feel “uncomfortable” with this?!? Maybe he figured he already gave the guy enough to make a photo calendar out of, so it was the perfect time to make his great escape. Let me tell you something, I can look at this guy’s picture for 3 seconds and feel “uncomfortable”….but then again, if you’re willing to make this deal, your sanity is pretty much in question anyway.
5. I hate to say it, but you kind of have to hand it to Samuel on this one. This guy is Grade A Vindictive. He started basic…with the “I’m going to kill you!” texts, and sure, he’s not the first to vandalize someone’s car…but to go balls to the wall and head straight for GRANDMA’S car with the naked pictures?!? Holy Shit. That’s just going dead for the jugular with a machete! This guy has raised the bar for all of the rest of the stalkers in training. He might even get his own term like “Don’t make me Samuel you!”
6. He got a bail of $5,500??!? Wonder if he tried to barter his way out of that one.
7. Finally..how about poor Grandma? Imagine her coming out in the morning in her nice little senior community and seeing that action on her car??? You KNOW he didn’t just put a few in a tidy pile under the windshield wiper! He’s CRAZY, and probably made quite a collage. (The article did say he PLASTERED her car with them!) You know the first old lady that was out walking at 5:30 AM and saw that, prancercised her ass back home lickety-split to call everyone up (but Grandma) to see this! Gossip spreads faster in those communities than anywhere else in the world…but I digress. Back to Grandma…Once you see something, you can never un-see it. Sure, Grandma probably saw him naked a million times when he was a baby, but I’m thinking it’s a teensy bit different when she sees him splaying his junk like a champ as an adult. God, I hope she has cataracts so she didn’t catch the full brunt, but you know she saw each and every single one. Imagine how fun it was for her to remove each one from the car? Bet it took a while, because Florida is HOT and I bet the tape was sticking nicely to the paint. Also, how do you think that conversation went between she and her grandson? It cannot be easy to explain your way out of that one. I have a feeling poor Grandma will never be the same again.
Game, Set, Match Samuel….except for that crooked chin hair he’s rocking in his mug shot.. I bet he’s got a shaky hand though from all of that pent up rage, thus making shaving a straight line kinda tough.
Moral of the story:
1. Don’t barter for rent.
2. If you really have to barter, naked pictures are a really bad idea.
3. If you see Samuel…RUN. He is one crazy bitch!
Happy Friday everyone!
PS: No way I’m putting this one in the running for the “What Had Happened Was” story of the year! Uh-uh! What if he doesn’t win? That probably won’t go well. Again (in the eloquent words of Miley Cyrus) – He’s “Cray!”
*Article courtesy of the New York Daily News.