The Boyfriend Pillow

Welcome to my 100th post!!! I’m pretty excited to say that, and feel that I have found something special to commemorate it: The Boyfriend Pillow!

Do you have that super needy friend who always says “Sigh…I wish I had a boyfriend to snuggle with! I feel so lonely since I broke up with (insert whatever name she whines about here). I have such a hard time sleeping alone now!” Blah…Blah…blahhhh! If you’re sick and tried of hearing her sniveling crap, then buy her this fine piece of home decor.

I mean, look how happy this woman is:

She’s all snuggled in tight with her half of a boyfriend! She even got all snazzed up for the occasion! There’s no arm pit hair anywhere near her, no bed and covers hogging to worry about (Hey, where the hell are the covers?), and no need to worry about the stubble on her legs! She doesn’t even have to argue over the remote, because all she’s got is half of a stuffed torso…and apparently that’s all she needs.

Fellas, you didn’t think I forgot you, did you? Of course not! They also make a Girlfriend Pillow:

Who needs an actual girlfriend to snuggle with when you can have that? It even has (and I quote)  “two round shaped cushions on the surface that give a breast-like sensation”. You guys can nestle right up in there and go to Dreamland without ever getting bitched at. What’s with the crooked breast-like cushions though? Eh,  who’s going to know, but you, I guess. (Actually, I hope!) Not for nothing, but what’s with the yellow glove the girlfriend pillow is wearing? Yeah, I’m thinking what you’re thinking there…Bring it on down to Creepytown!

Anyway, these two charming pillow cuddling substitutes can be found on Amazon. The Boyfriend Pillow  costs $44.95 and the Girlfriend Pillow costs $29.99…but you can get them as a set for $74.94. (No discount applies there!). I have no idea why the Boyfriend Pillow is so much more expensive than the Girlfriend Pillow is! Sure, he’ s got buttons, but she has two odd, crooked breasts slapped on there! How are his buttons worth so much more than those? (Oh, because needy women will pay any amount of money for some snuggling. Sorry, I forgot!)

So, whether it’s for your needy, whiny friend who hates sleeping alone…or maybe just for you (I’m going to pretend it’s not for you!), hustle it on over to Amazon and get to ordering. Christmas will be here before you know it!

Who Wants To Snuggle?

Finally, I have a  “What Had Happened Was” post that isn’t from NJ!!! Yayyyy! New Jersey-ites everywhere can exhale and smile now because actually this story is out of Penfield, NY.

See, what had happened was…Jackie Samuel has started a new business called “The Snuggery“, where you can rent her out to snuggle with her. Yeah, that’s right…You can head on over to “The Snuggery” and she will  snuggle with you for $60.00 an hour. She says that snuggling lowers your blood pressure, and you will feel calm for days.  Oh, and she has a strict “No Sex” rule, so don’t even think about it. However, she does state that it would be perfectly normal if the snuggee “were to become sexually aroused, so it really shouldn’t make anyone feel uncomfortable”.  She just thinks people really feel the need to have someone to get a little snuggle time with. Jackie even went out to see if there was a license she could obtain for this, but alas, there is no such thing. (That’s what happens when you are a true pioneer like she is.) She doesn’t have that many customers yet though, so she is still selling real estate in the meantime, until her business really takes off.

A few things here…

*Exactly what kind of person does she think is really going to show up and pay to snuggle with her? I’m thinking either a total freak show that you wouldn’t want anywhere near you…or someone with much different intentions than snuggling. Oh, that’s right…she did make the whole “sexual arousal is normal” claim though.  I have a feeling she is going to get poked in the back more than she thinks…and eventually it’s going to get uncomfortable.

*How did she come up with that pricing plan??? $50 for 45 minutes, $60.00 for an hour, and $90.00 for 90 minutes?!?  If you have to pay someone a buck a minute to snuggle with you, you need to re-evalute your life a little bit…or you can just go buy a body pillow for $12.99 at WalMart. (Those are damn comfy…I had one when I was pregnant to rest my belly on, so I know)…and the body pillow won’t talk to you, get any stinky funk on you, or poke you in the back unexpectedly. It’s a much better deal, I think.

*She has a degree in Brain and Cognitive Science and is getting her Master’s in Social Work…don’t you think those two degrees would qualify her to understand that a serial killer might show up and smother her with a pillow? I hear they like to snuggle that way.

I’m having a hard time snuggling my brain around this concept, and think Jackie better hope for a real estate boom in the near future, because I don’t really see this working out. I just don’t. Good luck with that Jackie…and you may want to keep some mace or a taser under your pillow…just saying.