The Boyfriend Pillow

Welcome to my 100th post!!! I’m pretty excited to say that, and feel that I have found something special to commemorate it: The Boyfriend Pillow!

Do you have that super needy friend who always says “Sigh…I wish I had a boyfriend to snuggle with! I feel so lonely since I broke up with (insert whatever name she whines about here). I have such a hard time sleeping alone now!” Blah…Blah…blahhhh! If you’re sick and tried of hearing her sniveling crap, then buy her this fine piece of home decor.

I mean, look how happy this woman is:

She’s all snuggled in tight with her half of a boyfriend! She even got all snazzed up for the occasion! There’s no arm pit hair anywhere near her, no bed and covers hogging to worry about (Hey, where the hell are the covers?), and no need to worry about the stubble on her legs! She doesn’t even have to argue over the remote, because all she’s got is half of a stuffed torso…and apparently that’s all she needs.

Fellas, you didn’t think I forgot you, did you? Of course not! They also make a Girlfriend Pillow:

Who needs an actual girlfriend to snuggle with when you can have that? It even has (and I quote)  “two round shaped cushions on the surface that give a breast-like sensation”. You guys can nestle right up in there and go to Dreamland without ever getting bitched at. What’s with the crooked breast-like cushions though? Eh,  who’s going to know, but you, I guess. (Actually, I hope!) Not for nothing, but what’s with the yellow glove the girlfriend pillow is wearing? Yeah, I’m thinking what you’re thinking there…Bring it on down to Creepytown!

Anyway, these two charming pillow cuddling substitutes can be found on Amazon. The Boyfriend Pillow  costs $44.95 and the Girlfriend Pillow costs $29.99…but you can get them as a set for $74.94. (No discount applies there!). I have no idea why the Boyfriend Pillow is so much more expensive than the Girlfriend Pillow is! Sure, he’ s got buttons, but she has two odd, crooked breasts slapped on there! How are his buttons worth so much more than those? (Oh, because needy women will pay any amount of money for some snuggling. Sorry, I forgot!)

So, whether it’s for your needy, whiny friend who hates sleeping alone…or maybe just for you (I’m going to pretend it’s not for you!), hustle it on over to Amazon and get to ordering. Christmas will be here before you know it!

Peanut Pad in Woodland Christmas

Look at what I found on Etsy today…The “Heavy Absorb Short Peanut Pad in Woodland Christmas”.  How festive!

Perhaps you remember my post on Black Friday deals entitled “Postpartum Pad Pattern“? Consider this post the sequel to that. You can’t just give someone the pad holder! That would just be RUDE. What you need to do is also give her a pad that goes with it…and voila, here it is! Not just any pad…a Christmas themed pad that’s environmentally friendly. Aunt Flo doesn’t take holidays off, you know.  Those poor little woodland animals have no idea what they’re in for…

For $6.99 plus $2.00 shipping, you can give someone their very own Christmas party in their pants. That is seriously thoughtful, isn’t it?  If you’d like to be the friend that sends someone’s PMS packing this Christmas, you better get cracking on over to Etsy and order it , because there’s only one left!

Heavy Absorb Short Peanut Pad in Woodland Christmas…That’s Shitsy!

Bosom Sleep Support

Look at what I found on Pinterest today…the Kush Bosom Sleep Support. Yes this an actual product. I thought it was a joke too, until I did some detective work and found the site that sells it.

Unfortunately (or maybe I should say fortunately) I do not have this problem in life, therefore I can’t fully understand the need for this…so I read all about it. Here’s the quick version of what you need to know:

An anatomically contoured bosom sleep support designed to help women sleep comfortably on their side and prevent the cleavage wrinkles that form from one breast resting on top of the other. (Cleavage wrinkles? I’m not familiar with that term!) Designed for women with C-cup size or larger breasts Ideal for pregnant or nursing women, post-operative breast surgery patients and side-sleepers (OK, thinking back, I could have used this for a short time after I gave birth!) Cylindrical shaped with a slight curve Constructed of PET (polyethylene) plastic Round nylon plugs on ends (I am guessing those are the pink, nipple like things on the ends. They’re odd and pretty unnecessary looking. I am totally laying odds that a man designed that part!) A slip-resistant coating keeps it in place without straps or adhesives, even as you roll from side to side during sleep. (I assume that’s a plus. Do women’s large breasts act as a clamp?) I have to admit, I was still pretty skeptical about this…so I read some reviews. Here are a few of my favorites: * “I have large breasts and used to complain about neck and back pain. I had been sleeping with a small pillow in between my breasts. My friend saw the Kush and ordered it for me. I was skeptical but I tried it It took 2 or 3 nights to get used to it and then I forgot I was using it. I was very surprised when one morning I woke up and noticed that I didn’t have neck pain. This product is really a lifesaver. I’m gonna pay if forward by giving one to another friend.” (I don’t really think this is what “pay it forward” is supposed to mean, but whatever.) *“I hate the feeling of my breasts sticking together when I sleep, especially when I have night sweats. For years I’ve been using small folded pieces of white cloth between my breasts but they didn’t provide any support. The kush is the perfect product to address both of these issues, it is light weight and just the right size. I love it!” (The small folded pieces didn’t provide any support? Shocker!) * I even gave one to a friend from college who used to sleep with socks between her breasts, and she actually said, “It changed my life!” (I don’t know what part of that is more striking to me…that her friend slept with socks between her breasts or the fact that she actually admitted that!) And finally, a naysayer’s opinion: “I thought this was a great idea – but it’s just a piece of light plastic – and for the money, not at all worth it. The shape is right – just seems like it should have been made of something softer! Sleep with a pillow instead – it’ll work nearly as well.” (Atta girl! Tell the truth about this product!) Believe it or not, this item is fairly hard to find in stock. I guess because so many women saw it on “The Doctors” and made a mad rush for it. I did locate a company that sells it though for $24.99 plus $6.50 for shipping. So look no further if you’d like to buy that large breasted lady in your life a thoughtful Christmas gift! I’ve apparently found the answer to your prayers…or you can just hustle it down to Walmart and buy a big package of men’s socks for $6.50 ( See that? I totally just saved you $24.99!) and she can wad those up and stick them between her big bazoombas for a good night’s sleep. Either way, the sentiment is the same. Bosom Sleep Support…I would normally dub thee Unpinteresting…but you peaked my curiosity way too much to do so!

Vagi-Steam Herb Blend

Take a good look at this picture, as I will be referring back to it later.

Look at what I found on Etsy today…Vagi-Steam Herb Blend. Prepare yourself for this one because it’s a lou-lou.

The seller gives a huge description about this but it sure is some interesting reading:

Maya healers and midwives used bajos, an ancient healing practice. Bajos (ba-hoes) is a Spanish word that translates to Vaginal Steam Bath. Traditional Korean healers used this healing method as well, they call it chai-yok. Healers use the vagi-steam (vagina steam) to aid women with chronic fertility issues, as well as to maintain healthy fertility.

The steam from the herbal tea rises and absorbs into your skin & orifice. This steaming treatment stimulates the production of hormones to maintain uterine health, aids regular menstrual cycles, helps correct digestive disorders while soothing the nervous system. The natural antibiotic and anti-fungal properties are said to help maintain internal health as well as keeping your skin looking young. (Wait, this keeps your SKIN looking young? THAT skin needs to look young? Who knew?)

The combination of 14 different herbs work to nourish, tone, heal, bring in fresh oxygenated blood, promote cleansing, and make supple the vaginal and uterine tissues. The moist heat opens the pores of the tissues it comes into contact with. The water vapor carries the medicinal benefits of the plants, including volitile oils. This is absorbed into the tissues and enters the bloodstream, having a direct healing affect on the reproductive system. Vaginal tissue is one of the most absorbent of the entire female body.

Women who may benefit from vagi steam would be those with the following conditions: uterine fibroids, painful menstruation, uterine weakness, uterine prolapse, irregular menstrual cycles, ovarian cysts, endometriosis, reproductive adhesion/scar tissue, previous vaginal tear or episiotomy, and dark purple or brown blood at the onset or end of menses.

In some cases a woman should not do a vagi steam, these are: extremely heavy menstrual cycles, do not do during your period, if you have a vaginal infection, open wounds, sores, or blisters, do not do if you are pregnant or think you may be pregnant. 

Then she tells us how do do our very own Vagi-Steam treatment at home, because “spas across the US charge a pretty penny for this treatment.” (30 mins for $50-75! Whaaattt?) Please refer back to the picture at the beginning of this post and note the chair in the background in order to give yourself a visual.

How to do a Traditional Vagi-Steam:
You need a slatted chair or modified stool/chair to let steam through. Preferably made of natural materials such as wood, canvas, or bamboo. And a large stainless steel stock pot, large enough to boil a gallon of water. You also can use two chairs (just simple dining room chairs or such) and you place the steaming pot between the two chairs and then you sit down with one “cheek” on each chair.
Boil 1 gallon of water with 1 cup (about 25 g) of Vagi-Steam Herb Blend for 10 minutes. Continue to steep off of the stove for an additional 5 minutes. Place pot or bowl under the chair/stool. Test how hot the steam is. Put the inside of your forearm over the steam to test. Remember your genitals are very sensitive to heat, you do not want to burn them! Do not sit down until the steam is comfortable for you. Sit down. Be sure you are not wearing underwear and none of your clothing is hanging in the pot. Cover your entire lower half, all the way to the ground with a blanket. Wrap another blanket around the upper half of your body. Keep it wrapped around you, stay warm. Steam for 20-30 minutes. Keep warm, go to bed for 1 hour.
Be careful over the next 24 hours to protect your entire body from cold drafts, keep warm and avoid any sudden temperature changes.

I don’t know about you, but I don’t want hot steam anywhere near my nether region. Imagine getting that burned? Sweet Mother of Pearl, that would HURT! Explain that one at the Emergency Room. You’ll make their Hall of Fame, I promise. Also, how many people have a chair with a hole cut in the middle lying around the house? If you don’t,  you’ll have to construct one and really make sure that mother is sanded down to perfection, because the last thing you need is a splinter by your who-ha, am I right? She does say you can use a slatted chair, but I don’t think that would have the same effect as the chair with the open hole in it. If you’re going to do it, do it right! Another question I have is what season of the year do you think it’d be best to do this, after all of the “avoid sudden temperature change, keep warm” warnings? This would take some serious planning, and I don’t know about you, but I don’t have that kind of time.

If you are interested in getting yourself some Vagi-Steam, color yourself lucky  because August is buy 2, get 1 free month! That’s right…if you buy two at $17.95 each, you get a third one for free. That’s a whole lot of Vagi-Steaming! If you decide to try it,  good luck with that. Personally, I’m out.

Vagi-Steam Herb Blend…That’s Shitsy! (and has potential to be quite painful if done hastily!)

PS – I really think we all learned a little something new today. You’re welcome! Carry on!